Dilwaale Review: Expect nothing but the expected

You guys were probably waiting for this. Shall not disappoint. 

This is why you don't see movies with ANY expectations these days. 

1) There are toy cars, there are those cars in real life. And then there is a Rohit Shetty picture. Shetty-Shetty bang bang. So much so, that more than half of the movie is shot in a garage. 

2) There are side actors, there are actors too happy to be in a movie. And then you have Kirti Sanon and Varun Dhawan. 

3) There is hamming, there are dialogues that you've heard before. And then, yet again, there is Shahrukh Khan (Khan from the epiglottis) playing Shahrukh Khan in yet another movie. Seen one, seen all. 

4) There are lights, there are lights that get old. And then, there are Diwali lights that are ONLY taken out on, yes you guessed it, Diwali. Rest of the 364 days, bandh pada rehta hai loft ke unreachable corner mein. And then you have Kajol who looks good only during Diwali. The rest of the time, Knorr soup brand ambassador. Boo-fucking-yeah. 

5) Dilwaale taught me that being unmarried after falling in love has worked not once, not twice but three fucking times for Shahrukh. I mean he got lucky in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai (shooting stars). Veer Zara was an absolute fluke. 22 years and still get the girl. He waits like what 15 years in this movie and still gets the chic. How many times can lightning strike? 

Here's the best part, what's his name, what's his name, what's his name?

RAJ

Take everything back. Point 5 is invalid in today's cinema, only if you're Rahul or Raj. 

6) Dilwaale and story. Here's where it gets interesting. Like you just have to leave your brains at home and accept whatever is being given to you. People can survive bullet shots multiple number of times, people can meet after 15 years. You shot me in the chest but I'll repair your broken car and dance with you in the rain. And yes, I can walk on water too. That too Iceland ka paani. Swag

Why? My name is Raj. 

Is Filmfare or Stardust hiring? 

Pray for Ranbir - Tamasha review

Ranbir’s last three movies: Besharam, Roy and Bombay Velvet

The good news: watching Tamasha will make you forget those three movies.

The bad news: You will now remember Tamasha

The bad news which eventually leads to good news: You will now watch Ye Jawani Hai Deewani. Watching YJHD is always a good thing.

This is a movie that everyone’s been harping about since time immemorial it seems. Everyone’s going mental booking tickets as early as nine and ten in the morning (eventually becomes 9:30 and 10:30 am if you watch it in PVR. But still it’s 10:30 in the morning)

A lot of importance is given those those three words which makes the world go round. Imitiaz Ali through this movie gives the audience the same feeling. But it’s not those three words that you’re expecting.

Ranbir and Deepika look good on screen. Duh. That’s why their movie stars? USKE BAAD KYA

You show us a wonderful place called Corsica *

*** Corsica [ˈkɔrsika]) is an island in the Mediterranean Sea belonging to France. It is located west of the Italian Peninsula, southeast of the French mainland, and north of the Italian island of Sardinia. Mountains make up two-thirds of the island, forming a single chain.

Source: Wikipedia (control c + control v)

You show us a wonderful place called Corsica. Then show us Shimla. Then show us Delhi and Tokyo. Everyone’s who has seen an Imitiaz Ali movie knows how much he likes to show a journey.  You show how people meet, chill, dance and kiss, etc, etc.

USKE BAAD KYA?

And what’s even more frustrating is that you show a movie that shows a journey and you fucking take forever to get to the point. And after two and a half hours which seems like an eternity, when he does, he ends the story abruptly. USKA BAAD KYA? Like Ali bro, I just woke up at 8 am for this.

And for fucks sake Ranbir, can you please please please (that’s thrice now) not do a movie where you’re not confused in life. Where you are not trying to find your true identity. We’ve had enough. Watching you struggle is a much greater struggle for us. ISKE BAAD KYA?

See through the good looks, see through the exotic locales. And there’s not much to see here. 

You know how you get a Tata Nano when a rickshaw fucks a car. 

Tamasha is what happens when YJHD fucks Barfi. And then gets an STD.

Dogs & P̶u̶s̶s̶i̶e̶s̶ Cats : Pyaar Ka Punchnama review

It seems that my reviews were missed. I missed writing too. But with Roy and Bombay Velvet still echoing in my head, I can only hope that this comeback to writing movie reviews is better than Plastic MILF's comeback to Bollywood a week ago with Jazbaa (and I thought I had got rusty)

The human race is divided into two types of people who have been known to share characteristics of two animals we love. Dogs and P̶u̶s̶s̶i̶e̶s̶  Cats. Pyaar Ka Punchnama 2 is a movie which shows the love-hate relationship between Dogs and P̶u̶s̶s̶i̶e̶s̶  Cats.

The movie starts with three lone Dogs with no P̶u̶s̶s̶i̶e̶s̶ Cats in their life. Each one of them is happy in their Dog-eats-Dog world. That's where the three P̶u̶s̶s̶i̶e̶s̶  Cats come in. And that starts the LOUVE, THE LUST, THE BUST, THE TRUST AND THE RUST (Love makes you type in Caps Lock too). And it's then that you realise that Dogs wear collars, Cats do not (that was a joke. I swear) (bahut maar padne waali hai comments section mein)

First and foremost, there is no need to get emotional and touchy about the way P̶u̶s̶s̶i̶e̶s̶  Cats have been treated in this movie. The last word of the previous sentence was MOVIE. Cats are n̶o̶t̶ ̶   the only reasons for all of dog's problems in the world. Which is exactly why we get a seven-minute monologue on the problems that cats give dogs. And I hate to admit it, even the cats sitting besides their dogs in the cinema hall were laughing. You can't help it if the shoes fits, can you.

For someone who loves to watch Animal Planet in his spare time, I was left wondering if is this the way cats behave in real life. This is not the way cats behave. Am I, a dog trying to understand cats here. Only cats understand cats and they hate each other. How do you think the word catty was invented? (bahut maar padne waali hai comments section mein)

But (and this is important), we need to realize that Dogs can be real pigs too (that made no sense but whatever). We love our P̶u̶s̶s̶i̶e̶s̶   cats don't we. Who doesn't after all? And if you can take something light hearted and on the chin, do take your Dog or P̶u̶s̶s̶i̶e̶   Cat along and watch this film. And if you're really bored, what are corner seats for?

Singham Returns: Three Laws of Motion

Friday First Day, First show

Dear Rohit Shetty,

We've seen your love for physics and cars in most of your movies. I have a violent streak inside me and it's good to know that I'm not the only one who likes smashing cars (you do it on screen, I do it with Hotwheels). I liked the way you showed complete disregard for words like trajectory, accelaration, force, mass and the things we'd learnt in Physics. So much so, that I was eagerly awaiting the release of Singham Returns. Not to forget my undying loyalty to Yo Yo Honey Singh.

But after watching Singham Returns, I have nothing to remind you about the three forces of motion by Sir Issac Newton due to the sheer disappointment of having my time, money and public holiday wasted (sorry Journalists are working today. So cancel the last point)

Law Number One

An object at rest will remain at rest unless acted on by an unbalanced force. An object in motion continues in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.

This law is often called "the law of inertia".

Nothing will go wrong if you do nothing. Mr. Shetty, a movie cannot be screwed if you don't screw with it. Do not fuck with a tried and tested formula. This is what you should have learnt from Mr. Newton. For movies like yours, the audience leaves throws their mind out of the window. You do that with cars and people. But you gave none of that today. Zilch. People either like Paneer Manchurian or Chicken Manchurian, what you gave me today was Gobi fucking Manchurian. For those people who would choose Gobi over Paneer and Chicken, Singham Returns is for you. I couldn't be more direct.

It took you almost an hour to give me a warehouse scene. One fucking hour for the first car to smash through the windows and people to fly. You wasted an entire hour of so many things. Do you know the price of one hour, 400 bucks in an Aksa beach room in what I am talking about. Chennai Express had more action sequences than Singham Returns. Shahrukh Khan shed more blood than Ajay Devgan (only he knows the spelling of his surname. And maybe Kajol).

But let's give credit to Rohit Shetty. He for the first time made the audience think. Think if the movie they were watching was actually made by Rohit Shetty.

Law Number Two

Acceleration is produced when a force acts on a mass. The greater the mass (of the object being accelerated) the greater the amount of force needed (to accelerate the object).

Replace force with enjoyment. Replace the word accleration with action in a Rohit Shetty movie and mass with the number of cars and people flying through the window.

Action in movie X No. of things flying in movie - Likeness of movie

A simple basic maths step, anything multiplied by zero is fucking zero. If the left hand side of the equation is zero, ten points to Gryffindor if they can tell what the right hand side will be.

Rohit Shetty. Genius.

Law Number Three

For every action there is an equal and opposite re-action.

By showing peace and action in the lamest of forms, you actually made us emote feelings of what the actors should have done (opposite reaction). We didn't see anger on screen so we were angry in our heads. And the next time, don't end the movie with a Yo Yo Honey Singh Song. Start the movie with it. Rohit Shetty, Genius.

P.S. And next time, please make your lead actors wear original Zara sunglasses. Not Zarra. Kisko chutiya bana rahe ho.

And also spend on bullets. Like for Christ's sake.

Ata Majhi Satakli

A trip down memory lane - MCET

When was the last time you did something for the first time? Did you wake up in the morning and ask yourself Aaj kuch toofani karte hai? Did you get the Kick that you so badly needed to last the rest of the day, maybe even the week? 4^th of August was one such day for me.

We’ve become busy, some have stayed here, some have moved on. We are not in the same city, country or continent. We may earn in different currencies now, speak different dialects. But there are things that bind us together. We may choose to run away from the past, but at the end of the day, it is the past that makes us who we are today. If you know where to look and which BEST bus to take, the past can be one to cherish as much as the present.

What I’ve written talks about memories and the past. Despite us being filled with attitude, ego and arrogance there are certain places still existing where these things just don’t matter. The feeling of being there, at that very moment takes over everything, including you. We think we’re too old for ourselves but there’s that young kid inside us just waiting to come out. People are getting engaged, married, having kids left right and center. I still want to be the kid I was. Wherever you are, however you’re reading this, I hope through my words you guys go back into time and feel like a kid. There’s no better feeling.

I pass by this building on my way to work sometimes looking at it, sometimes knowing it’s there and not thinking about it. But it’s still there at the back of your mind that such places still remain a part of you. You don’t need someone to remind you of your roots, it stays with you. Always.

It was a day where I realized that some buildings are just more than stones and bricks, much more than how many floors and how many rooms they have. A room is much more than four walls, some windows and doors. It’s the memories you had and shared that are the difference between a house and home.

Maneckji Cooper. Revisited. 4^th August, 2014. One day to remember. 

Aaj kuch toofani karte hai. Aaj kuch toofani karte hai

Monday morning blues, not exactly if you’ve decided to visit your school after years. The last time I went there for a small school reunion. There were no teachers, no students. Today would be nice, would be special.  

Who wants the window seat?

 I got off the Juhu Tara Road bus stop around 11 and all I see is an army of yellow and blue. Some in shorts, some in skirts and some in trousers. It didn’t even take me a minute to realize that the last time I wore this was eight years ago. It took me a while for that to sink in. I’m growing old, will be 25 next year. Silver Jubilee sala. You wait for the next day, August will soon become September. 2014 will become 2015. In the matter of minutes did 2006 become 2014, how did time fly so fast.

I walked towards the gate where parents still stand waiting for their young ones to arrive. Our parents did the same thing, even we will in a few years. I hate to admit it, but we’re all getting old.

I had spent 12 years at this place, but for the watchman, I was nothing more than a stranger. I didn’t want to play the ‘Press Card’ card at my own school. I took time to tell him how much I know about the place and assure him that I’m an ex-student not a spy. He smiled and told me to stay for as long as I wanted.

 You see the huge platform with the stairs leading up to the secondary building. You see the second standard class on the first floor if you look right, there’s a small classroom right below the notice board which has a tiny passage. Turn far right and the tiny tots from the pre-primary and primary section await you. You don’t think about anything else. You wish you remembered every single day spent in this place. You had happy days, sad days, but you still want to remember. You feel so good about yourself and coming back to school. 

There was a time where we could get three for 10 bucks. Now it costs 10 a piece. But the taste is still the same

So much to see, so much to do, where do I start from. I was hungry, very hungry. Let me come straight to the point and tell all of you was that one of the prime reasons why I visited school was for the samosas. Were they as good as they were eight years back. There was a time when we could eat three for 10 bucks, you can have one in that price now. But, but, they still taste the same. What’s even better, the curly haired Parsi lady with specs is still there. I’m sure she still writes the ‘account’ on that paper plate. 

He's selling more than just samosas

Staying on the huge platform, I then take a look at the notice board (which is still Green) and wonder if kids these days bother to stop by and read the quote for the day and achievements that the school has accomplished (MCET gets pasted in MSSA Division Three Football. Just saying)

The message is as deep as a Milan Subway porthole

Time for to take the school trip. I begin from the pre-primary section and see those young tiny tots with those dark yellow shirts. We keep using the word cute like it’s nobody’s business but seeing those badges tied by a safety pin to their shirt is what cute is. The girl at the bus stop maybe cute, but nothing beats this type of cute. Me and Junior KG seems a long way back. 

Baby, Baby, Baby.... O. Baby, Baby, Baby....O. Bieber Fever

Then comes the highlight of the entire school trip. The Baby Hall. Why is it called the Baby Hall? No one knows. Did someone deliver a baby here? Don’t know. But this is one of the most chilled out halls you’ll ever be too. There was nobody in that hall, but images of Karate classes, audio-visual class, tables and chairs lined up together for exams, you sitting down with your dabba for lunch flash across your mind. You had to fight for space in that hall at times. And now it was empty. We spent a lot of time in that hall. The tiles are still brown, there’s still that glass shaped like thing when you look up. All I wanted to do inside the Baby Hall was shout, run. Maneckji Cooper Baby Hall, smiles, smiles and only smiles. 

You remember the karate classes in the Baby Hall like they happened yesterday

 Come out and turn left, first standard kids learning their tables. Then that small passage that takes you to the ‘Garage class’. Of course you remember the Garage class. The stairway leading up to the class still exists. Keep walking, walking and walking and it keeps getting better. 

And they say a lot has changed

The basketball court awaits you. Those grills are still there (why are they there in the first place). My hands easily reach the basket now (they are repaired. Yay). I’m pretty sure besides basketball being the main sport, there was possibly every game invented by man that was played on this basketball court. Dubey Sir FTW !!! (had no hair, but still carried a comb. Like a boss)

Balls to you !!!

Walk straight, take a left, then take a right and you have the primary building and the PT Hall. Here’s some news for you, the PT hall no longer exists. The good news is that it’s been turned into a kickass audio visual room that can seat close to 150 kids. It has an amphitheatre kind of look (yes this is the same school I am talking about. We were just born too late for this)

You enter the primary building and you see the Nurse’s room. She’s still there (Hell Yeah). Remember the remarks you got in your diary when you didn’t carry your first aid kit. That lady. The lady who gave you crocin for a stomach ache, the reason why crocin’s very much in business, you remember her like yesterday now don’t you.

The third standard class was the first class I entered and there’s a lot that’s changed. The speaker which used to hardly work has been replaced by the speakers we use for computers. Black boards are no longer cool and we have white boards and markers. Projectors are installed in every class. The desks and chairs are no longer brown. The only thing missing is air conditioning (give it a few years :P)

Move to the first floor. And we have the Chemistry Lab. I have never smiled so much after meeting a person as I did yesterday after meeting Indu Bai. She was much more than a Bai. Indu Bai has left behind a legacy that every MCET kid will remember. She being a lab assistant knew way more than the ones who were paid to teach. Had she not been camera shy, I’d have got a nice picture. The chemistry lab is still the same. Test tubes, brown cabinets just waiting to be broken. There was a batch then, there will be a batch now. Indu Bai will still be there with that lovely smile of hers. Forget day, your month is made right there.

I badly wanted to take a leak. The bathrooms are so damn clean now it’s not even funny.  They have a soap dispenser and mirrors inside. You want to take a break from class and go to the bathroom. It’s that clean.

Teri galiyan, galiyan, teri galiyan

Climb one floor, then another. Floor number three and we have the greatest architectural and constructing marvel of recent times, the passage class. The passage class as the name suggests was made to make things easier. It still remains a class for the fifth standard and amongst the many things that have changed, I’m pretty sure classes are still disrupted by the constant interruption of teachers, peons and children from one side to the other. For those who have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about, visualize the Dadar connecting bridge. Western line to Central line, this passage class serves exactly the same purpose. You see people scrambling from one side to the other at all times. The ones in charge try their best to maintain peace but who are they fooling. It’s a completely different world on the other side. On is the world of short pants, the other is the trouser section. Added audio effects are accompanied in the form of the sound made by airplanes passing by *covers ears*.

Switch to the central line, I mean secondary section, take a right and there you have Shukla Sir and Kailash Sir walking together. Tie a cloth around me and tell these two to speak and I can recognize their voice from a mile. That hasn’t changed one bit. Shukla Sir still has that sheepish smile that we’ll forever remember. Has the paunch but has lost weight. He couldn’t recollect who I was, but it was lovely to have a 10-minute conversation entirely in Hindi. And it’s safe to say that he still finds pride in explaining a sentence 10 times before it registers into your memory. Top man. I scored brownie points with him by letting him know I write for a living (next annual day Hindi play script. Who knows)

On his right we had Mr. Suave #2, Kailash sir. I didn’t understand a word of Marathi. Just happened to scrape through but I’ll be the first one to put up my hand and say no one tried harder to make us pass in Marathi. The moustache still remains part of him. It seems MCET has joined the Raj Thackeray bandwagon and introduced Marathi right from the 1^st standard. Chya Aaila.

First room to the right, 10^th standard A and we have Pooja Salian. The day just kept getting better and better. Busy correcting examination papers, ma’am was extremely kind to take time off and revisit the good old times not to mention reminding me about … (inside joke). I look around the class and see the tables and chairs that were newly made and painted for our batch. The tables still don’t have the locks on them with the chairs missing the rubber stand below. There’s a reason why she said the present generation can’t match up to ours. We take pride in such things, with a smile.

This picture has awesome written all over it. No need for caption

Then came the cherry on the cake. In fact this cherry was bigger than the cake itself. Geetika Wadhwa, Jessica Daruwalla and Sabiha Ahmed in the same class. Read that sentence again. I told my cheeks and jaw that you’re in for some serious laughter for the next couple of hours. There are energy levels you hit when you have Red Bull and then there’s a new found energy and enthusiasm when you have Geetika Wadhwa in front of you. It’s like Super Saiyan mode. You just feel so good about yourself and the person in front of you. Indus Valley Civlization, Mohenjo Daro was fun back in that time. The curly hair still makes me smile.

Geography would have been an utter bore hadn’t it been for Jessica Daruwala. Top Soil, Red Soil and what not about planet earth. Topography maps, journals. These words just flashed as I spoke to her. She was delighted to know how our batch was doing so good. We were really lucky to have her as a teacher and the current lot couldn’t be more thankful to have her. I want to go back to school.

Sabiha Ahmed’s still the cheerful and chirpy teacher we all remember her to be. It’s amazing how good her memory is. Oh yes, she teaches history and English. I couldn’t stop smiling and laughing after talking to each one of them. Imagine talking to all three of them at the same time. My cheeks hurt. With all of them saying, “Adit, call us experienced, not old” I had the widest smile all day.

I entered the secondary staff room and Mrs. Sethu, Poonam Chaudhary, Mrs. Bhuleshkar were some of the teachers who’re still there. The staff room still looks the same barring the washing machine. I was delighted to see the Hindi primary teacher now teach the secondary kids (close your eyes for a bit and you’ll remember her). One of the most genuine namastes anyone’s said to me in recent times.

Realizing I forgot another very important room, I dashed back to the primary building via the passage class and went up the next floor. The Physics lab. The bones of the human body are still kept as one turns right, technical drawing projects fill the cupboards and cabinets. Things have changed in the school but the Physics lab hasn’t. It needs to be painted and redeveloped big time.

I scaled Everest. Yaay

Back to the secondary building and it was time to scale Mt. Everest. During the 7^th and 8^th standard there was the class on the 6^th floor that we kids had to go to every single day with our bags. We had to think 10 times before going down for lunch but we still did (samosas). My sentiments towards Mrs. Mishra, Alka Sachdev and Mrs Kadam who were able to scale this peak on a daily basis (the class used to start late which led to it ending late). Enough about the cons, open all the windows to those classes and you can literally fly. Realizing it would take me a good 5 minutes to get to the first floor, I decided to enjoy the view from the class.

My legs still don't fit. shucks

I had met a lot of people today, but the most important one was still to be met. The one on the hot seat. I was too lazy to walk down so many floors so I took the lift (still has the old grill) to the first floor. My eyes then focused on the ‘Pranay Jain – ICSE board topper in 2006’ written above her door. I am not Pranay Jain, I am his good friend.

Thanda thanda, cool cool

The Peon told us to wait for sometime so I decided to visit another ‘relic’ in the building. There used to be a room whose door we hoped opened when we passed by especially after PT period since it was the only room with air conditioning, the computer room. Remember the guy named ‘cockroach’, of course you do. The AC’s still top notch, thanda thanda cool cool.

Back to the first floor and it was time to meet the principal. The frame of her spectacles hasn’t changed. The room’s still kept the same way as it was nine years back. I wanted to sit down but thought against it. For me, it was always the room rather than the person who sat inside it as far as the principal was concerned.

It was now time to leave. One of the best days of the year was coming to an end. I look around and see the place I spent 12 memorable years in. Did I feel young at that time, realizing that wherever I’ll go, wherever I are, I’ll always remain a kid for these people. Or did I feel old realizing that I no longer wear something on a daily basis to this place. I passed this place every day but why was it that I decided to pay school a visit. It’s true when they say you may forget your college, office when you grow old, but school is a place where you’d always come back. It took me time, but it was time well taken out for. I wish I’d done this earlier. School was always there, I just didn’t have the time. Or maybe I always did, but …

Stepping out of the gates there were only two things at the back of my head. One was the prayer I said at the end of the day for 12 straight years

Thank you God for the world so sweet

Thank you God for the food we eat

Thank you God for the birds that sing

And thank you God for everything

I may have more than 1000 songs on my phone, but there are some songs and prayers you don’t need to keep in ‘memory’.

And the last thing is the school motto, ‘There is no excellence without labour’. Blood, Sweat, Tears….. and Ink

There were kids before us, we were there, and there will be kids after us. The show must go on

P.S. I wrote this for my friends from my batch and other fellow Cooperites. We may be in Mumbai, some place in India or far away abroad, but it’s this one place that connects all of us together. We may be busy, some more than others with us looking forward to tomorrow and the future. But let us not forget the people and places and the samosas from the past which have made the present one to remember and cherish. For those in the city, do take some time out to visit school. Those far away, I hope I’ve given you a few moments to go back memory lane and hope you come soon to Mumbai and visit school. No one’s busy at the end of the day, we just got to make time.

And last, but not the least a special mention to a good friend of mine, Monish Parekh who is still remembered as the Chiwda King by all the teachers. Good old Jiggi

* Jasleen Sachdev (has zero relation to Alka Sachdev mind you), thank you for making this day one to remember and share about. Cooperites for life*

Chennai Express Review

Friday First Day, First Show - Chennai Express

First and foremost (too much first), dear Rohit Shetty, you have made a Hindi movie not a Tamil one. Subtitles toh dal deta dost. Tamil sabko samajh mein nahi aati. Allarikum Tamil Teriyade. Tamil Ila.

Knowing how much Shetty loves the word 'vehicle' I was just waiting at the edge of my seat to see anything with wheels flying up in the sky, break walls, topple. Shetty makes you wait a good length in the movie for the gates to open (like literally)

Deepika for once doesn't look sloshed or in the mood to party here (slow clap) but you can tell from the look on her face that she's just waiting to come out of the sari and PARTY (PUT YA HANDS UP) *maine pehne party shoes. gonna let my body loose. peeli hai thodi booze. lets party on my mind *

Towards the end, we see the hero giving a 'I love the girl' speech to father. Girl full flat after hearing. Goon fight scene follows (hindi movie/ rohit shetty). Watch SRK with dimples fight for love. Gasp and go Aww.

People flying north, west, east and south indians flying south (Fuck Yes)

Dad sees boy's courage. Rock like mentality of father melts. Gives girl to boy. Happy Ending.

And yes, SRK's name in the film is Rahul. Have we ever seen a hindi movie where a guy named Rahul doesn't get the girl.

Don't pay more than 150 bucks to see such a film. Pay more if you have company. And pay more attention to the company than the movie. There's a reason they're called corner seats.

Maid in Heaven

The less I speak about Chelsea’s season, the better. Rafa Benitez is still ‘interim ‘manager (that word is so important it’s not funny). What Mr. Abramovich was thinking we don’t know? The only things we fans can do is protest in the form of banners and chants telling him about the problem. What we do know for sure is that the ‘Fat Spanish Waiter’ will be gone in the summer. Whenever something goes wrong, as typical human behavior would suggest we’ll blame the person and the person responsible for the appointment. On the other hand, we’ll never give credit where it’s due. Roman has hired and fired the best and worst in the business. I always wonder what it’d be like to live a life like Roman Abramovich. Who doesn’t like to have power? The kick that one gets out of hiring and firing those under and in a weaker position is of great interest to me. What Roman does on an almost yearly basis is done on a smaller scale in our very own households. Why think about Roman when this hiring and firing happens in front of me on a regular basis. I’ve seen it happen in front of me and I can’t wait to do it for the first time.

My friends, I’m talking about the hiring and firing of maids and drivers. Something that our parents do on a regular basis. If you ask me, maids and drivers are as important to a household as managers to a football club. No one gives them importance when they’re there, we only realize what they bring once they’re gone.

We have mobile phones and what not to communicate. Most of our parents aren’t very tech savvy but their networking in recruiting a maid / driver makes me hang my head in shame. The entire neighborhood within no matter of time is aware that there’s a vacancy for a maid / driver.

Our networking’s good, parents much better but the best networking you’ll ever see is amongst the maids and drivers. If gossip is something that interests you, all you need to do is spend more time in the kitchen or the nearest chai stall in the neighborhood to be well versed with who slept with whom, who didn’t sleep with whom, who hits their kids, who wears torn underwear, who told the husband / wife they have to attend a meeting but didn’t. You see where this is going don’t you. These people are most than just your source.

Coming back to the recruitment process, all that one needs to do is ‘announce’ that you need a maid / driver. Some of the ways to do this is tell your friends in the neighborhood or tell a maid / driver. Within a matter of minutes your door bell / mobile phone rings with someone saying ‘ Sahab, Memsahab, aapne driver / maid ke liye bola tha ‘
This is networking at its very best. You just sit back and watch in excitement. You know exactly who this starts and how’s it going to end. And the best part is, the best is yet to come.

After the ‘announcement’ stage comes stage two. I call this the ‘what have you done/ can you do’ stage. Past history is questioned, verified and what not. One of the benefits of being in power is that you can ask anything you want. The best question asked is ‘Why did you leave your previous job?’ I love the answers that these people give. This is no less than a viva for them. Looking at some of the candidates, one can tell they need the job more than you need them.

Drivers just have to do one thing, drive. What type of maid do you want is key. Maids will tell you then and there ‘Madam, kapde nahi karegi mein’, ‘Katka, jhadoo sirf’. If your stars are lucky you will get an ‘all rounder’ maid or mom will have to appoint more than once maid.

Post this comes the salary, the ‘ khich khich ‘ stage. ‘ Bartan ka itna aur jhadoo ka itna’, ‘ Sahab office Churchgate mein hai’, ‘ Mahine mein itna din nahi aayegi’. I don’t know how the number is decided but in the end it’s all good and the person is hired. Congratulations.

A few weeks pass and we come to stage four, the ‘ Realization’ stage. It is here that the person who does the hiring gets the answer to ‘ Apna kaam is se hone wala hai kya?’ If the answer is no we give the person ‘time’. If things still don’t improve its bye bye. Repeat process from step one. Hurray.

If you’re decision is spot on you’ll tell yourself and the whole world what a wonderful person the driver / maid is. This is where everything they do is right. You feel you have found ‘The Special ONE’. The whole day will be spent in singing praises of the person you appointed.

But should this not be the case, then it’s time for a replacement. Reasons for things not going as per plan could be working conditions, working hours, ego battle between the employer and the employee, never ending demands of the employee. This is where ‘unrest in the camp’ happens and nothing goes right. The employer now needs to hire more than the need to fire. Things have to be right again.

We come to the day which though sad is fun to watch. The ‘ Bye-Bye’ day. But before we say goodbye, we prepare for the future by already appointing who is going to come next. So this stage is nothing more than fake formality that needs to be done so that there’s no ill will amongst the parties involved. They take their money and leave. Sometimes a huge argument arises and they still leave. On the rarest of occasions does the employer decide to give them yet another chance (yes, at this stage). The house breathes a huge sigh of relief when he / she shut the door. We’re back to step one. Yaay!!!

Getting the right maid / driver is a task in itself. It sounds like an easy job but it’s only when they don’t come and you’re asked to do what they’re paid for do you realize what a back breaking job these ladies and men do for a living. We might think they’re arrogant and don’t like to talk much but we must look at the other side and see the situation where they’re coming from. A sad part of this profession is that age is not a criterion. We see kids as errand boys in so many places. They’re supposed to be running and playing. Not running to get vegetables and eggs. On the other side we see such old ladies working in households doing a job that is not in their best interests’ health wise. We have the money so we have the power. It all seems and sounds great to hire and fire but I don’t think our parents enjoy it when we ask a maid / driver to leave.

So the next time you criticize Roman and the other guys out there in the business, just think about what I just said. They like us are people, and people make mistakes. It’s the realization and rectification that he / she does that counts. Because at the end of the day we all want what’s good for us and the people we love the most.

P.S. Mera Jose Aayega