IT WAS ALWAYS
BURNING, SINCE THE WORLD'S BEEN TURNING
WE DIDN'T START THE
FIRE
NO, WE DIDN'T LIGHT
IT, BUT WE TRIED TO FIGHT IT
- Deepika's dialogue from the movie Padmaavat. Not
Disclaimer: All views are expressed only by seeing what was
shown in the movie. If a character is shown to be smart or dumb in the movie,
it's because a certain person/group chose to do so.
This is the dumbest Rajput king ever. Who made him king in
the very first place? Did Kings back in the day have a six pack? He wears the
pants and the turban in the house while the wife sadly had her belly covered in
CGI. This dude calls the enemy alone and unarmed to his palace.
Now you don't get this opportunity everyday do you? This is
your one chance to end the problem once and for all. So how do you make the
most of it?
By sitting across a table and playing a game of chess. Cause
Usool.
The wife is not allowed to make and take sensible decisions.
Especially when it comes to showing great tactical nous and strategy on the
battlefield cause the ego of the King is as fragile as those delicate chess
pieces. Also because there is only one pant in this house.
She might be the only one making sense here, but only if she
had a dick.
So after inviting the enemy to his place, the bad guy does
the same. Despite warnings from the smartest person in the movie, King with abs
goes. Cause honour, pride and Usool.
Hindsight is a bitch and it comes with puppies too. Our King
with abs gets chained in prision. Coz guess what motherfucker. Not everyone
likes to play by the rules yo. Man the fuck up bro. After all everything is
fair in love and war. It's a results business buddy. Second place is first
loser. You don't win silver, you lose gold my friend. But yeah, Usool.
So our king is much more than fucked here. Guess who comes
to the rescue, CGI belly person. Once again, a fine display of jewellery
besides some a tactical masterclass that sees her and man with pants back to
home sweet home.
But.....But. Not before King with abs has a meeting with Big
bad wolf. Why? U se Umbrella. U se Usool.
Mr. Evil in this scene is weak and injured. Man with pants
for the second time in this film, has the chance to kill him and solve this
once and for all.
Killing an injured man when he's down and out. Naah. Stuff
of pussies. I'm just gonna walk out and wait for you to come attack my hood
when the time for you is good (did that rhyme?)
So big bad wolf comes and lays siege to this guy's kingdom.
Surprise surprise
Mr. Man with pants takes one for the team and decides to
take on Big Bad Wolf solo. Mano-a-mano. Fight mast chal rahi hai till you're
like "Just get to the fucking fire scene man". Big Bad Wolf has a
henchman who cheats and kills the King with abs. Aww. Alle le le, allu lu lu.
But still. Our King with abs before dying chides the Big Bad
Wolf by letting him know that he didn't fight with any class and honour. Our
Big Bad Wolf tells him to "muh mein lelo aap" by saying "There
is only one rule and honour in war and that is victory"
I'm just talking about what was shown to me in the movie. It
got to a point where even Big Bad Wolf must have thought, "Listen bro, if
you're not gonna kill me despite having two previous chances, I guess I will
have to kill you"
King with abs uses Usool. Not cool. Not cool. Sabse bada
fool. Life ki sabse badi bhool.
But hey, if he didn't Usool, he no die. He no die. No fire
sequence. Connect the dots man.
People are fighting the system now, women were fighting the
system then too. They use their brains. Husband doesn't listen. Goes and dies.
Everything that you can do is forbidden since you're a queen who has to protect
her honour and what not. The system back then was so fucked up, that it gave
Jauhar as the only option.
Plus if you have to put some sense into King with abs now in
the afterlife (cause we all live in hope and the King lives in denial), time
for Mahesh Tutorials once I jump into the fire. You can't put sense into
someone if he ain't there now can you?
Now coming to the grandest segment of this movie. The fire
sequence. The movie had a long disclaimer saying they don't support the act and
shizz. But this was Bhansali playing to the gallery with a fine display of CGI
and stunning visual appeal giving the Rajputs a nice ego massage with some
green tea as a welcome gift.
"We don't support Jauhar BUT will show dhaasu Jauhar
sequence"
Anything said before but in a sentence is bullshit. Try it
out.
The way the shot was executed made me feel that here is a
team that has lost the match 10-1 and is celebrating for the only goal they've
scored.
"But hey. We may have conceded 10, but the other team
ko clean sheet nahi mila. We take this to our graves. Yaay"
And Padmaavat is that movie which is made in celebration of
that one goal.
In this case Big Bad Wolf didn't get to score with the only
person with brains. Hence no clean sheet. It's a different story in their
personal life. I hope they make really cute babies.
Talking about the three leads, it's Ranveer entirely who
steals the show with his sheer energy. Despite being the bad guy, he chews into
the character with such ease. Ram, Bajirao and now Allahudin, if Ranveer is a
director's actor, then Bhansali sure gets the best out of this guy. Deepika is
absolutely stunning in some scenes. Like a long Tanishq video commercial. You
kind of hate the role Shahid is playing more than the actor playing it. The
standout performer here however is Jim Sarbh.
With everyone talking about the movie and the Karni Sena, a
special mention to the one thing about this movie that not many will talk about
— the music. Bhansali has always been one to appeal to the ears as well. It’s
not Ghoomar and Ek Dil, but Binte Dil (Arijit is brilliant) and Khalibali (Ranveer's
energy at his finest) that stand out.
Another downside to the movie is its length. Despite it
being made in 3D that should be a treat to the eyes considering it's Bhansali,
Padmaavat leaves you mentally exhausted as you come out.
I think the smartest person to come out of all this is
Akshay Kumar. He did the smartest thing by postponing his movie to another
date. Maybe a movie with substance will do the talking than a movie with style.
This has been a blog post that I have wanted to do and get off my chest since a very long time. If it wasn't for Rafael Nadal and Shikhar Dhawan this pastweek, I probably would have gone back to listening to some music. The timing feels good today. Especially when you've had a good week and there's nothing else LEFT to do. LEFT in this case, sure feels RIGHT.
What's the one thing common between Rafael Nadal, Shikhar Dhawan and Adit Ganguly? We're all lefties. Yeah we do things with the other hand. And we do it very well. With the hand, that's supposedly the one, from which majority of the world cleans their bum. Well there are those who use toilet paper and I got to admit, the jet spray is a fantastic invention. But let's just stick to the bucket and mug.
Like any individual who is now in his 20s, I was introduced to the pen and pencil way before the computer and a touch screen-mobile phone could enter my life. I chose a profession where I and my hand do the talking. And that's where the fascination began. You see, I didn't even have to write a single word down to capture the world's and your attention. Your eyes were already on me. For a man whose job is now to delight the world with his writing, the world was already delighted by not what he wrote, but by how he wrote.
"Adit. You're a lefty?"
"Adit. Tu pen kaisa pakadta hai?" (Adit, how do you hold the pen?)
"Adit. You're a lefty? You must be so creative and funny!!!"
"Adit. Dusra haath aage kar. Prasad right hand se lete hai" (Cause habit)
Yes. And that's been my story since I chose not to write with what's considered right (oh fuck. what a pun). And this is the story of all us people who are presumed to be "smart, creative and funny".
I don't know if it's a genes thing but neither my grandparents or my parents for that matter are lefties. Me and my lovely brother Mudit decided to be absolute rebels and be the black sheep of society. Mudit, like me, is a lefty as well. We both are artists, One a writer, other other an ace graphic designer. Mudit was an extremely artistic person as a kid, His paintings and designs are to be in awe of. I'm sure he's been at the receiving end of "You're a lefty?". But not once were we ever scolded or spanked with the ruler at home. Our parents were very chill.
But it was in school where things got a little weird. I always had to sit on the left side of the bench since sitting on the right hand side was obviously the dumb thing to do. There were times where me and the person who I shared the bench with decided to switch places, slam our hands against each other just to disturb the flow of the class. Cheap thrills before Sia got cool. But the school I went to was lovely. Not a single teacher ever told me to write with the other hand.
I didn't have great handwriting to begin with, but what made it worse that my grip made it impossible for anyone to have the slightest of peaks during exams. They would have failed regardless, I was only helping them by doing what's right (in this case writing with my left hand). As I got smarter and started giving BMM exams and those in Communications and Journalism, I realised that there is a good majority of the public that's cursing me for being a lefty.
The other area where this was brought up time and again was when I played cricket. I bat and bowl left-handed. Whenever there was someone new who came to play, I had heard the same three words like always.
"Tu lefty hai" (You're a lefty)
It got to a point where I didn't even know if there should be an exclamation mark or a question mark at the end of the quote. But it's nice to screw up the field settings just because you're different.
And this doubt of whether it should be an exclamation mark or a question mark by the person surprises and amazes me to this very day. I always faced a problem with scissors, I do with some even today. I hate writing in books that are spiral bound because it's a pain to write from the right hand side page. I look up the internet and there are places where I can buy stuff that are custom made for lefties.
Shirts with buttons on the other side, scissors, notebooks, left handed chef set, gardening set, sewing set, knives cause it makes it a lot easier for me to kill you guys. And thank god for these inventions cause I could really do with scissors especially. People wanted us to continue doing how we did what we did best.
In case you didn't know, these products made for us special people costs more than what does normally. Why? It's simple economics. We lefties are the ones facing the problems. I need this scissor more than the scissor needs me. That's why I will pay more.
And I as a lefty could never find that joy when I saw a lefty write or bat/bowl. You're never fascinated by what you have right? (no pun intended). Why do such questions always come from the people who are right-handed people?
The world continues to be fascinated by us. And there's no greater field where this is displayed than in the art of sport. Especially cricket. Besides playing the sport like any kid would, I did, thanks to my old man, spend a lot of my time watching the game as well. In the glorious 90s and 2000s where everyone found god in Sachin, I found mine in Brian Charles Lara.
Before you guys can even begin to type "Sachin ko gaali diya". I'm a huge fan of both. This isn't a Sachin vs Lara debate in the first place. There was just magic when you saw Lara bat. Because in the world of right-handed people, here was someone different. I loved watching Ponting, Dravid,
Laxman, Sehwag bat. But my eyes always lit up when I saw a Jayasuriya, Hayden, Gilchrist, Ganguly, Sangakkara come to bat. And don't even get me started on Yuvraj Singh and the Prince of Kolkata. You guys remember Michael Beven? And what about Mr. Gayle-storm
I don't know if the world perceived it the same way, did you? I'd love to know. Did they amaze you in a greater way as seeing someone write with their left hand? It's the same with bowling. Everyone hated facing Wasim Akram cause you never knew which way the ball would swing. It was just delightful to know that this wasn't a right-handed bowler doing all of this.
And if you just wanted to know the wrath of a left-hander, just ask Stuart Broad
And yes nothing gave me more joy than India winning the 2011 World Cup. The man of the series was a left-handed batsman (Yuvraj Singh), the joint-highest wicket taker was an Indian fast bowler (Zaheer Khan). And let's not forget, it was another left-handed batsman (Gautam Gambhir) who laid the platform for India by scoring 97 in that final at the Wankhede.
While growing up, you played Alan Border Cricket and Brian Lara Cricket on your PCs and PlayStations. Both were left-handed batsmen. So much win.
Moving on, the greatest footballer of this generation is left-footed, the legend he is compared to is also left-footed. Lionel Messi and Diego Maradona.
The one's who have had the luck of watching these two play can surely consider themselves blessed. Both revered across nations to this very day. Both wizards of the dribble and capable of the near-impossible. Maradona's craze is such that he has a church devoted to him back home in Argentina.
They do/ did things with a football that dazzles us to this very day. Watching players like Messi or Diego Maradona streak down the field with the ball at their feet avoiding droves of defenders, and springing free just in time to get a shot off to the far post, provokes similar feelings as watching an artist create a masterpiece.
Now we come to my most favourite left-handed sportsman, Rafael Nadal. I started watching tennis much later compared to cricket and football. The popular names at that time were Andre Agassi (8), Pete Sampras (14), Steffi Graf (22), Williams (Venus has 7, Serena 23) to begin with. Later on was I to look up the names of John McEnroe (7), Jimmy Connors (8), Martina Navratilova (18) and Rod Laver (11) (has an arena named after him) and be fascinated at how they dominated this wonderful sport. (Number of Grand Slam titles in brackets)
It was somewhere around 2006/2007 that the lines were drawn. You had to make a choice between two of the greatest tennis players of this generation. One was elegance at his very best. Poetry in motion. A delight for the purists. Probably the best tennis player to ever grace the game. Yes, I am not a Roger Federer fan but I know when to give credit when it's due. It's been an absolute delight to sit in front of the telly and watch him play. But there was someone against whom he kept coming up short. And that guy was a left-handed player. How could I not like what was happening. In fact, I loved what was happening. The more I watched this guy play, the more I knew - this guy wasn't Roger Federer.
Rafael Nadal was born right-handed. He does everything, from signing autographs to playing golf to touching every part of his face before serving, with his right hand. But he plays tennis left-handed. And not even Nadal himself quite knows why. Playing left-handed has offered Nadal all sorts of advantages, most notably by allowing his stronger right hand to power up his double-handed backhand, which for some years has been one of the most feared shots in the game.
The traditional advantage of the left-hander is the wide swinging serve from the left-hand side of the court, which is where most game points and break points and set points are played. Because of the ball’s natural spin, it tends to arc away from the right-hander’s backhand, usually the weaker side for most players.
Like the world around us where the proportion of lefties to righties is minimal, Rafael Nadal has been the flag bearer in the tennis world for left-handers. We needed a role model after all didn't we.
Now enough of sport. Time to get into another department that we all love, but at the same time see left-handed people face quite a lot of problems. If there's another thing besides sport that I absolutely love, it's MUSIC. And don't be surprised to know that there are instruments separately made for us 'special' people here as well.
And let's talk about the most mainstream instrument that is a hit amongst anyone wanting to learn. The guitar.
Left-handed guitarists are few and far between when compared to the many right handed guitar gods one can find on a general Google search for guitar players. There are many left handed persons who simply play the guitar right handed - the most famous example being Dire Straits frontman Mark Knopfler - besides him; guitar players like Duane Allman, Billy Corgan, Noel Gallagher and Paul Simon are also examples of left handed people who have chosen to play the guitar right handed.
There are several reasons for this disproportionate imbalance between right handed and left handed guitar players - Guitars have traditionally been made for the right hand side to be the strumming hand and the left hand to be the fretting hand and therefore, a left-handed guitar player is immediately handicapped by a lack of choice while selecting an instrument as left handed guitars aren’t nearly equal in number to the sheer amount of right handed guitars on earth.
Another solution to this problem is to reverse the order of the strings and play a right handed guitar, - left handed but that wouldn’t be ideal. And then a typical issue that left-handers usually face is with guitar teachers who may also be right handed and therefore face trouble perceiving the guitar entirely differently. In order to avoid all of these issues, some people simply choose to play the guitar right handed even if they do routine chores like using their stronger left hand.
However, since this is meant to be an article about left handed guitar players, we are going to look at a few guitar players who haven’t allowed for the above limitations to cloud their vision and have gone on to become very successful indeed.
The first name that comes to mind when faced with the question of a left-handed guitar player undoubtedly is Jimi Hendrix who is widely considered to be one of the greatest and most innovative guitar players to have ever played the instrument.
Sir Paul McCartney is a name any music lover will recognise. McCartney in fact started playing the guitar right handed before deciding that he wasn’t making much progress with it at all. He then stumbled upon a picture of country musician Slim Whitman playing the guitar left handed and decided to reverse the strings and strum with his left hand instead of the right. The rest as they say is history, he went on to found The Beatles with John Lennon and gave the world a discography that would stand the test of time.
Yes, we are the black sheep of society. We're cool with that. Some accept the fact that you don't (not supposed to) take prasad or eat with your left hand. To avoid creating a scene, most of us just extend our right hand. We do face problems while cutting anything using a scissor. Despite all of us dealing with this in our lives, there is always a sense of amusement amongst us when we present ourselves in front of you. The look of seeing this for the first time despite having seen it before is what shall always continue to amaze us left-handed people. I will still have that exclamation or question mark doubt till the day I die. Because we will continue to be "creative". There will be many of you who will love seeing what a left-handed person can do. Be it me, Rafael Nadal, Brian Lara, Lionel Messi. There have been many before, and there will be many after. The one thing that both left-handed and right-handed people both know is that the former will always be asked
I don't know if there's a thin line or a huge difference between sweets and desserts. Are both actually the same? The important thing here is that I always tend to save space in that little stomach of mine for this important meal be it lunch or dinner. If there's little that's going to go inside, it better be something sweet.
Now the good part and the bad part about being Bengali is that you can't see anything beyond Mishti Doi, Sandesh, Baked Rosgulla, and the actual Rosgulla. You can win the world with Bengali sweets and that's a fact. Yes, I do love kulfi, firni, gulaab jaamun, ras malaai, barfi, ice cream, cupcakes, and anything with nutella. Basically I do have a sweet tooth to cut a long story short.
And I don't know if it's just me or is it something faced by all sweet lovers around that the Jalebi doesn't get its proper due when we talk about sweets and desserts. Pata nahi kyu. Aisa lagta hai that it's just there. You might see it at a buffet, or even at a sweet shop. But chances are higher of you going for the chocolate fountain with the sticks like thing. As middle class as middle class can be, won't most of us go for the tried and tested motichoor ladoos nine times out of 10? And then we have the poor fellow jalebi in that corner either waiting to be fried or hoping against hope that someone shells out some money on it.
But not today, today I shall make time for our awesome, sweet, orange and circular shaped friend. And when you come to know about the place that serves the biggest jalebi in town, you just got to make time for it.
There is just something about food and Mohd Ali Road isn't it. You just had to find the place that serves the biggest jalebi in this city over there. How could it be any other place? That's just not possible. They've given us the best of kebabs, mutton bheja, firni, shwarma, malpua. And now, they can proudly stake claim to having the place with the biggest jalebis in town. Were you looking for a a new reason to go to food paradiso? You have one now.
Here's a headsup. And the most important headsup if you're planning to go to N.Lookmanji’s sweets shop at Mohammed Ali Road.
IT SHUTS AFTER 8:30 PM. BANDH HOTA HAI SAADE AATH BAJE KE BAAD.
So it's not the normal joint at the place that's open in the early hours of the day. How do I know this? Why do I know this? I was there at 11pm last night. Major chop scenes.
But I had to have that jalebi. Couldn't sleep at night. Decided to go there next morning before work. Ek baar jo maine commitment kar di, uske baad toh mein khud ki bhi nahi sunta.
This is a post about Mumbai's biggest jalebi joint. This is not a post about how to get to Mohd. Ali Road. You have Google for that. There is life on the other side of Bandra people. Move out.
This place is a 10-min walk (my speed 5 minutes cause long legs) from the station. Walk up to the main road and you'll see a huge flyover above your head (Flyovers are always above the head. We all know that. I typed this sentence cause I needed words to fit the allignment. You will read the next sentence in this bracket as well. Cause I am that smart)
If you know where Delhi Darbar is, this place is bang opposite. Walk inside and the first thing you will notice are those pink boxes kept one on top of the other. You obviously know what's inside and can't wait to see it.
Now there are jalebis, there might be big jalebis if the guy making it decides "aaj kuch naya karte hai", and then there is this big fellow. The Big Daddy of all Jalebis.
Don't believe me. Take a look. OMG. XOXO #foodie
BIGGER THAN MY HAND, BUT SMALLER THAN MY EGO!!!
At that very moment in time, I had two options
1) Adit, sit down and eat it. Office hote rahega. What you have in front of you is a work of art. Do one thing. Order what you came for. Eat it. Go to sleep.
2) Chutiya mat ban Adit. Parcel naam ki cheez hoti hai. Office mein kha le. Akele se toh hoga nahi, toh share bhi kar sakta hai.
Option 2 is the winner
Will gain weight. NEVER
Coming to the taste: Blessed with abundant amount of ghee that will take your cholestrol level through the roof, N Lookmanji's jalebi's are an absolute winner winner jalebi breakfast, lunch and dinner. Be sure to go for your morning walk the next day.
Garnished with cashews and almonds, you can have your own "Dhara Ad Jalebi" moment for just Rs 113 a piece. Winner winner, jalebi breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Diet ko maaro goli. Head to N.Lookmanji, Opp Delhi Darbar, Mohd Ali Road. Social media likes chahiye ki nahi chahiye tum logo ko?
Pliss follow on ganglyganguly on Instagram n Snapchat. Pliss.
You guys were probably waiting for this. Shall not disappoint. This is why you don't see movies with ANY expectations these days. 1) There are toy cars, there are those cars in real life. And then there is a Rohit Shetty picture. Shetty-Shetty bang bang. So much so, that more than half of the movie is shot in a garage. 2) There are side actors, there are actors too happy to be in a movie. And then you have Kirti Sanon and Varun Dhawan. 3) There is hamming, there are dialogues that you've heard before. And then, yet again, there is Shahrukh Khan (Khan from the epiglottis) playing Shahrukh Khan in yet another movie. Seen one, seen all. 4) There are lights, there are lights that get old. And then, there are Diwali lights that are ONLY taken out on, yes you guessed it, Diwali. Rest of the 364 days, bandh pada rehta hai loft ke unreachable corner mein. And then you have Kajol who looks good only during Diwali. The rest of the time, Knorr soup brand ambassador. Boo-fucking-yeah. 5) Dilwaale taught me that being unmarried after falling in love has worked not once, not twice but three fucking times for Shahrukh. I mean he got lucky in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai (shooting stars). Veer Zara was an absolute fluke. 22 years and still get the girl. He waits like what 15 years in this movie and still gets the chic. How many times can lightning strike? Here's the best part, what's his name, what's his name, what's his name? RAJ Take everything back. Point 5 is invalid in today's cinema, only if you're Rahul or Raj. 6) Dilwaale and story. Here's where it gets interesting. Like you just have to leave your brains at home and accept whatever is being given to you. People can survive bullet shots multiple number of times, people can meet after 15 years. You shot me in the chest but I'll repair your broken car and dance with you in the rain. And yes, I can walk on water too. That too Iceland ka paani. Swag Why? My name is Raj. Is Filmfare or Stardust hiring?
Ranbir’s last three movies: Besharam, Roy and Bombay Velvet
The good news: watching Tamasha will make you forget those
three movies.
The bad news: You will now remember Tamasha
The bad news which eventually leads to good news: You will
now watch Ye Jawani Hai Deewani. Watching YJHD is always a good thing.
This is a movie that everyone’s been harping about since
time immemorial it seems. Everyone’s going mental booking tickets as early as
nine and ten in the morning (eventually becomes 9:30 and 10:30 am if you watch
it in PVR. But still it’s 10:30 in the morning)
A lot of importance is given those those three words which
makes the world go round. Imitiaz Ali through this movie gives the audience the
same feeling. But it’s not those three words that you’re expecting.
Ranbir and Deepika look good on screen. Duh. That’s why
their movie stars? USKE BAAD KYA
You show us a wonderful place called Corsica *
*** Corsica [ˈkɔrsika]) is an island in the Mediterranean
Sea belonging to France. It is located west of the Italian Peninsula, southeast
of the French mainland, and north of the Italian island of Sardinia. Mountains
make up two-thirds of the island, forming a single chain.
Source: Wikipedia (control c + control v)
You show us a wonderful place called Corsica. Then show us
Shimla. Then show us Delhi and Tokyo. Everyone’s who has seen an Imitiaz Ali
movie knows how much he likes to show a journey. You show how people meet, chill, dance and
kiss, etc, etc.
USKE BAAD KYA?
And what’s even more frustrating is that you show a movie
that shows a journey and you fucking take forever to get to the point. And after
two and a half hours which seems like an eternity, when he does, he ends the
story abruptly. USKA BAAD KYA? Like Ali bro, I just woke up at 8 am for this.
And for fucks sake Ranbir, can you please please please
(that’s thrice now) not do a movie where you’re not confused in life. Where you
are not trying to find your true identity. We’ve had enough. Watching you
struggle is a much greater struggle for us. ISKE BAAD KYA?
See through the good looks, see through the exotic locales.
And there’s not much to see here.
You know how you get a Tata Nano when a
rickshaw fucks a car.
Tamasha is what happens when YJHD fucks Barfi. And then
gets an STD.
It seems that my reviews were missed. I
missed writing too. But with Roy and Bombay Velvet still echoing in
my head, I can only hope that this comeback to writing movie reviews
is better than Plastic MILF's comeback to Bollywood a week ago with
Jazbaa (and I thought I had got rusty)
The human race is divided into two
types of people who have been known to share characteristics of two
animals we love. Dogs and P̶u̶s̶s̶i̶e̶s̶ Cats. Pyaar Ka
Punchnama 2 is a movie which shows the love-hate relationship between
Dogs and P̶u̶s̶s̶i̶e̶s̶ Cats.
The movie starts with three lone Dogs
with no P̶u̶s̶s̶i̶e̶s̶ Cats in their life. Each one of them
is happy in their Dog-eats-Dog world. That's where the three
P̶u̶s̶s̶i̶e̶s̶ Cats come in. And that starts the LOUVE, THE
LUST, THE BUST, THE TRUST AND THE RUST (Love makes you type in Caps
Lock too). And it's then that you realise that Dogs wear collars,
Cats do not (that was a joke. I swear) (bahut maar padne waali hai
comments section mein)
First and foremost, there is no need to
get emotional and touchy about the way P̶u̶s̶s̶i̶e̶s̶ Cats
have been treated in this movie. The last word of the previous
sentence was MOVIE. Cats are n̶o̶t̶ ̶ the only reasons for all
of dog's problems in the world. Which is exactly why we get a
seven-minute monologue on the problems that cats give dogs. And I
hate to admit it, even the cats sitting besides their dogs in the
cinema hall were laughing. You can't help it if the shoes fits, can
you.
For someone who loves to watch Animal
Planet in his spare time, I was left wondering if is this the way
cats behave in real life. This is not the way cats behave. Am I, a
dog trying to understand cats here. Only cats understand cats and
they hate each other. How do you think the word catty was invented?
(bahut maar padne waali hai comments section mein)
But (and this is important), we need to
realize that Dogs can be real pigs too (that made no sense but
whatever). We love our P̶u̶s̶s̶i̶e̶s̶ cats don't we. Who
doesn't after all? And if you can take something light hearted and on
the chin, do take your Dog or P̶u̶s̶s̶i̶e̶ Cat along and watch
this film. And if you're really bored, what are corner seats for?
We've seen your love for physics and cars in most of your movies. I have a violent streak inside me and it's good to know that I'm not the only one who likes smashing cars (you do it on screen, I do it with Hotwheels). I liked the way you showed complete disregard for words like trajectory, accelaration, force, mass and the things we'd learnt in Physics. So much so, that I was eagerly awaiting the release of Singham Returns. Not to forget my undying loyalty to Yo Yo Honey Singh.
But after watching Singham Returns, I have nothing to remind you about the three forces of motion by Sir Issac Newton due to the sheer disappointment of having my time, money and public holiday wasted (sorry Journalists are working today. So cancel the last point)
Law Number One
An object at rest will remain at rest unless acted on by an unbalanced force. An object in motion continues in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.
This law is often called "the law of inertia".
Nothing will go wrong if you do nothing. Mr. Shetty, a movie cannot be screwed if you don't screw with it. Do not fuck with a tried and tested formula. This is what you should have learnt from Mr. Newton. For movies like yours, the audience leaves throws their mind out of the window. You do that with cars and people. But you gave none of that today. Zilch. People either like Paneer Manchurian or Chicken Manchurian, what you gave me today was Gobi fucking Manchurian. For those people who would choose Gobi over Paneer and Chicken, Singham Returns is for you. I couldn't be more direct.
It took you almost an hour to give me a warehouse scene. One fucking hour for the first car to smash through the windows and people to fly. You wasted an entire hour of so many things. Do you know the price of one hour, 400 bucks in an Aksa beach room in what I am talking about. Chennai Express had more action sequences than Singham Returns. Shahrukh Khan shed more blood than Ajay Devgan (only he knows the spelling of his surname. And maybe Kajol).
But let's give credit to Rohit Shetty. He for the first time made the audience think. Think if the movie they were watching was actually made by Rohit Shetty.
Law Number Two
Acceleration is produced when a force acts on a mass. The greater the mass (of the object being accelerated) the greater the amount of force needed (to accelerate the object).
Replace force with enjoyment. Replace the word accleration with action in a Rohit Shetty movie and mass with the number of cars and people flying through the window.
Action in movie X No. of things flying in movie - Likeness of movie
A simple basic maths step, anything multiplied by zero is fucking zero. If the left hand side of the equation is zero, ten points to Gryffindor if they can tell what the right hand side will be.
Rohit Shetty. Genius.
Law Number Three
For every action there is an equal and opposite re-action.
By showing peace and action in the lamest of forms, you actually made us emote feelings of what the actors should have done (opposite reaction). We didn't see anger on screen so we were angry in our heads. And the next time, don't end the movie with a Yo Yo Honey Singh Song. Start the movie with it. Rohit Shetty, Genius.
P.S. And next time, please make your lead actors wear original Zara sunglasses. Not Zarra. Kisko chutiya bana rahe ho.
And also spend on bullets. Like for Christ's sake.
