Friday, August 15, 2014

Singham Returns: Three Laws of Motion

Friday First Day, First show

Dear Rohit Shetty,

We've seen your love for physics and cars in most of your movies. I have a violent streak inside me and it's good to know that I'm not the only one who likes smashing cars (you do it on screen, I do it with Hotwheels). I liked the way you showed complete disregard for words like trajectory, accelaration, force, mass and the things we'd learnt in Physics. So much so, that I was eagerly awaiting the release of Singham Returns. Not to forget my undying loyalty to Yo Yo Honey Singh.

But after watching Singham Returns, I have nothing to remind you about the three forces of motion by Sir Issac Newton due to the sheer disappointment of having my time, money and public holiday wasted (sorry Journalists are working today. So cancel the last point)

Law Number One

An object at rest will remain at rest unless acted on by an unbalanced force. An object in motion continues in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.

This law is often called "the law of inertia".

Nothing will go wrong if you do nothing. Mr. Shetty, a movie cannot be screwed if you don't screw with it. Do not fuck with a tried and tested formula. This is what you should have learnt from Mr. Newton. For movies like yours, the audience leaves throws their mind out of the window. You do that with cars and people. But you gave none of that today. Zilch. People either like Paneer Manchurian or Chicken Manchurian, what you gave me today was Gobi fucking Manchurian. For those people who would choose Gobi over Paneer and Chicken, Singham Returns is for you. I couldn't be more direct.

It took you almost an hour to give me a warehouse scene. One fucking hour for the first car to smash through the windows and people to fly. You wasted an entire hour of so many things. Do you know the price of one hour, 400 bucks in an Aksa beach room in what I am talking about. Chennai Express had more action sequences than Singham Returns. Shahrukh Khan shed more blood than Ajay Devgan (only he knows the spelling of his surname. And maybe Kajol).

But let's give credit to Rohit Shetty. He for the first time made the audience think. Think if the movie they were watching was actually made by Rohit Shetty.

Law Number Two

Acceleration is produced when a force acts on a mass. The greater the mass (of the object being accelerated) the greater the amount of force needed (to accelerate the object).

Replace force with enjoyment. Replace the word accleration with action in a Rohit Shetty movie and mass with the number of cars and people flying through the window.

Action in movie X No. of things flying in movie - Likeness of movie

A simple basic maths step, anything multiplied by zero is fucking zero. If the left hand side of the equation is zero, ten points to Gryffindor if they can tell what the right hand side will be.

Rohit Shetty. Genius.

Law Number Three

For every action there is an equal and opposite re-action.

By showing peace and action in the lamest of forms, you actually made us emote feelings of what the actors should have done (opposite reaction). We didn't see anger on screen so we were angry in our heads. And the next time, don't end the movie with a Yo Yo Honey Singh Song. Start the movie with it. Rohit Shetty, Genius.

P.S. And next time, please make your lead actors wear original Zara sunglasses. Not Zarra. Kisko chutiya bana rahe ho.

And also spend on bullets. Like for Christ's sake.

Ata Majhi Satakli

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

A trip down memory lane - MCET



When was the last time you did something for the first time? Did you wake up in the morning and ask yourself Aaj kuch toofani karte hai? Did you get the Kick that you so badly needed to last the rest of the day, maybe even the week? 4th of August was one such day for me.

We’ve become busy, some have stayed here, some have moved on. We are not in the same city, country or continent. We may earn in different currencies now, speak different dialects. But there are things that bind us together. We may choose to run away from the past, but at the end of the day, it is the past that makes us who we are today. If you know where to look and which BEST bus to take, the past can be one to cherish as much as the present.

What I’ve written talks about memories and the past. Despite us being filled with attitude, ego and arrogance there are certain places still existing where these things just don’t matter. The feeling of being there, at that very moment takes over everything, including you. We think we’re too old for ourselves but there’s that young kid inside us just waiting to come out. People are getting engaged, married, having kids left right and center. I still want to be the kid I was. Wherever you are, however you’re reading this, I hope through my words you guys go back into time and feel like a kid. There’s no better feeling.

I pass by this building on my way to work sometimes looking at it, sometimes knowing it’s there and not thinking about it. But it’s still there at the back of your mind that such places still remain a part of you. You don’t need someone to remind you of your roots, it stays with you. Always.

It was a day where I realized that some buildings are just more than stones and bricks, much more than how many floors and how many rooms they have. A room is much more than four walls, some windows and doors. It’s the memories you had and shared that are the difference between a house and home.

Maneckji Cooper. Revisited. 4th August, 2014. One day to remember. 

Aaj kuch toofani karte hai. Aaj kuch toofani karte hai


Monday morning blues, not exactly if you’ve decided to visit your school after years. The last time I went there for a small school reunion. There were no teachers, no students. Today would be nice, would be special.  

Who wants the window seat?

 I got off the Juhu Tara Road bus stop around 11 and all I see is an army of yellow and blue. Some in shorts, some in skirts and some in trousers. It didn’t even take me a minute to realize that the last time I wore this was eight years ago. It took me a while for that to sink in. I’m growing old, will be 25 next year. Silver Jubilee sala. You wait for the next day, August will soon become September. 2014 will become 2015. In the matter of minutes did 2006 become 2014, how did time fly so fast.

I walked towards the gate where parents still stand waiting for their young ones to arrive. Our parents did the same thing, even we will in a few years. I hate to admit it, but we’re all getting old.

I had spent 12 years at this place, but for the watchman, I was nothing more than a stranger. I didn’t want to play the ‘Press Card’ card at my own school. I took time to tell him how much I know about the place and assure him that I’m an ex-student not a spy. He smiled and told me to stay for as long as I wanted.

 You see the huge platform with the stairs leading up to the secondary building. You see the second standard class on the first floor if you look right, there’s a small classroom right below the notice board which has a tiny passage. Turn far right and the tiny tots from the pre-primary and primary section await you. You don’t think about anything else. You wish you remembered every single day spent in this place. You had happy days, sad days, but you still want to remember. You feel so good about yourself and coming back to school. 

There was a time where we could get three for 10 bucks. Now it costs 10 a piece. But the taste is still the same


So much to see, so much to do, where do I start from. I was hungry, very hungry. Let me come straight to the point and tell all of you was that one of the prime reasons why I visited school was for the samosas. Were they as good as they were eight years back. There was a time when we could eat three for 10 bucks, you can have one in that price now. But, but, they still taste the same. What’s even better, the curly haired Parsi lady with specs is still there. I’m sure she still writes the ‘account’ on that paper plate. 

He's selling more than just samosas


Staying on the huge platform, I then take a look at the notice board (which is still Green) and wonder if kids these days bother to stop by and read the quote for the day and achievements that the school has accomplished (MCET gets pasted in MSSA Division Three Football. Just saying)

The message is as deep as a Milan Subway porthole

Time for to take the school trip. I begin from the pre-primary section and see those young tiny tots with those dark yellow shirts. We keep using the word cute like it’s nobody’s business but seeing those badges tied by a safety pin to their shirt is what cute is. The girl at the bus stop maybe cute, but nothing beats this type of cute. Me and Junior KG seems a long way back. 

Baby, Baby, Baby.... O. Baby, Baby, Baby....O. Bieber Fever


Then comes the highlight of the entire school trip. The Baby Hall. Why is it called the Baby Hall? No one knows. Did someone deliver a baby here? Don’t know. But this is one of the most chilled out halls you’ll ever be too. There was nobody in that hall, but images of Karate classes, audio-visual class, tables and chairs lined up together for exams, you sitting down with your dabba for lunch flash across your mind. You had to fight for space in that hall at times. And now it was empty. We spent a lot of time in that hall. The tiles are still brown, there’s still that glass shaped like thing when you look up. All I wanted to do inside the Baby Hall was shout, run. Maneckji Cooper Baby Hall, smiles, smiles and only smiles. 

You remember the karate classes in the Baby Hall like they happened yesterday

 Come out and turn left, first standard kids learning their tables. Then that small passage that takes you to the ‘Garage class’. Of course you remember the Garage class. The stairway leading up to the class still exists. Keep walking, walking and walking and it keeps getting better. 

And they say a lot has changed


The basketball court awaits you. Those grills are still there (why are they there in the first place). My hands easily reach the basket now (they are repaired. Yay). I’m pretty sure besides basketball being the main sport, there was possibly every game invented by man that was played on this basketball court. Dubey Sir FTW !!! (had no hair, but still carried a comb. Like a boss)

Balls to you !!!

Walk straight, take a left, then take a right and you have the primary building and the PT Hall. Here’s some news for you, the PT hall no longer exists. The good news is that it’s been turned into a kickass audio visual room that can seat close to 150 kids. It has an amphitheatre kind of look (yes this is the same school I am talking about. We were just born too late for this)

You enter the primary building and you see the Nurse’s room. She’s still there (Hell Yeah). Remember the remarks you got in your diary when you didn’t carry your first aid kit. That lady. The lady who gave you crocin for a stomach ache, the reason why crocin’s very much in business, you remember her like yesterday now don’t you.

The third standard class was the first class I entered and there’s a lot that’s changed. The speaker which used to hardly work has been replaced by the speakers we use for computers. Black boards are no longer cool and we have white boards and markers. Projectors are installed in every class. The desks and chairs are no longer brown. The only thing missing is air conditioning (give it a few years :P)



Move to the first floor. And we have the Chemistry Lab. I have never smiled so much after meeting a person as I did yesterday after meeting Indu Bai. She was much more than a Bai. Indu Bai has left behind a legacy that every MCET kid will remember. She being a lab assistant knew way more than the ones who were paid to teach. Had she not been camera shy, I’d have got a nice picture. The chemistry lab is still the same. Test tubes, brown cabinets just waiting to be broken. There was a batch then, there will be a batch now. Indu Bai will still be there with that lovely smile of hers. Forget day, your month is made right there.

I badly wanted to take a leak. The bathrooms are so damn clean now it’s not even funny.  They have a soap dispenser and mirrors inside. You want to take a break from class and go to the bathroom. It’s that clean.

Teri galiyan, galiyan, teri galiyan

Climb one floor, then another. Floor number three and we have the greatest architectural and constructing marvel of recent times, the passage class. The passage class as the name suggests was made to make things easier. It still remains a class for the fifth standard and amongst the many things that have changed, I’m pretty sure classes are still disrupted by the constant interruption of teachers, peons and children from one side to the other. For those who have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about, visualize the Dadar connecting bridge. Western line to Central line, this passage class serves exactly the same purpose. You see people scrambling from one side to the other at all times. The ones in charge try their best to maintain peace but who are they fooling. It’s a completely different world on the other side. On is the world of short pants, the other is the trouser section. Added audio effects are accompanied in the form of the sound made by airplanes passing by *covers ears*.

Switch to the central line, I mean secondary section, take a right and there you have Shukla Sir and Kailash Sir walking together. Tie a cloth around me and tell these two to speak and I can recognize their voice from a mile. That hasn’t changed one bit. Shukla Sir still has that sheepish smile that we’ll forever remember. Has the paunch but has lost weight. He couldn’t recollect who I was, but it was lovely to have a 10-minute conversation entirely in Hindi. And it’s safe to say that he still finds pride in explaining a sentence 10 times before it registers into your memory. Top man. I scored brownie points with him by letting him know I write for a living (next annual day Hindi play script. Who knows)
On his right we had Mr. Suave #2, Kailash sir. I didn’t understand a word of Marathi. Just happened to scrape through but I’ll be the first one to put up my hand and say no one tried harder to make us pass in Marathi. The moustache still remains part of him. It seems MCET has joined the Raj Thackeray bandwagon and introduced Marathi right from the 1st standard. Chya Aaila.

First room to the right, 10th standard A and we have Pooja Salian. The day just kept getting better and better. Busy correcting examination papers, ma’am was extremely kind to take time off and revisit the good old times not to mention reminding me about … (inside joke). I look around the class and see the tables and chairs that were newly made and painted for our batch. The tables still don’t have the locks on them with the chairs missing the rubber stand below. There’s a reason why she said the present generation can’t match up to ours. We take pride in such things, with a smile.

This picture has awesome written all over it. No need for caption

Then came the cherry on the cake. In fact this cherry was bigger than the cake itself. Geetika Wadhwa, Jessica Daruwalla and Sabiha Ahmed in the same class. Read that sentence again. I told my cheeks and jaw that you’re in for some serious laughter for the next couple of hours. There are energy levels you hit when you have Red Bull and then there’s a new found energy and enthusiasm when you have Geetika Wadhwa in front of you. It’s like Super Saiyan mode. You just feel so good about yourself and the person in front of you. Indus Valley Civlization, Mohenjo Daro was fun back in that time. The curly hair still makes me smile.

Geography would have been an utter bore hadn’t it been for Jessica Daruwala. Top Soil, Red Soil and what not about planet earth. Topography maps, journals. These words just flashed as I spoke to her. She was delighted to know how our batch was doing so good. We were really lucky to have her as a teacher and the current lot couldn’t be more thankful to have her. I want to go back to school.

Sabiha Ahmed’s still the cheerful and chirpy teacher we all remember her to be. It’s amazing how good her memory is. Oh yes, she teaches history and English. I couldn’t stop smiling and laughing after talking to each one of them. Imagine talking to all three of them at the same time. My cheeks hurt. With all of them saying, “Adit, call us experienced, not old” I had the widest smile all day.

I entered the secondary staff room and Mrs. Sethu, Poonam Chaudhary, Mrs. Bhuleshkar were some of the teachers who’re still there. The staff room still looks the same barring the washing machine. I was delighted to see the Hindi primary teacher now teach the secondary kids (close your eyes for a bit and you’ll remember her). One of the most genuine namastes anyone’s said to me in recent times.

Realizing I forgot another very important room, I dashed back to the primary building via the passage class and went up the next floor. The Physics lab. The bones of the human body are still kept as one turns right, technical drawing projects fill the cupboards and cabinets. Things have changed in the school but the Physics lab hasn’t. It needs to be painted and redeveloped big time.

I scaled Everest. Yaay

Back to the secondary building and it was time to scale Mt. Everest. During the 7th and 8th standard there was the class on the 6th floor that we kids had to go to every single day with our bags. We had to think 10 times before going down for lunch but we still did (samosas). My sentiments towards Mrs. Mishra, Alka Sachdev and Mrs Kadam who were able to scale this peak on a daily basis (the class used to start late which led to it ending late). Enough about the cons, open all the windows to those classes and you can literally fly. Realizing it would take me a good 5 minutes to get to the first floor, I decided to enjoy the view from the class.

My legs still don't fit. shucks

I had met a lot of people today, but the most important one was still to be met. The one on the hot seat. I was too lazy to walk down so many floors so I took the lift (still has the old grill) to the first floor. My eyes then focused on the ‘Pranay Jain – ICSE board topper in 2006’ written above her door. I am not Pranay Jain, I am his good friend.

Thanda thanda, cool cool

The Peon told us to wait for sometime so I decided to visit another ‘relic’ in the building. There used to be a room whose door we hoped opened when we passed by especially after PT period since it was the only room with air conditioning, the computer room. Remember the guy named ‘cockroach’, of course you do. The AC’s still top notch, thanda thanda cool cool.

Back to the first floor and it was time to meet the principal. The frame of her spectacles hasn’t changed. The room’s still kept the same way as it was nine years back. I wanted to sit down but thought against it. For me, it was always the room rather than the person who sat inside it as far as the principal was concerned.

It was now time to leave. One of the best days of the year was coming to an end. I look around and see the place I spent 12 memorable years in. Did I feel young at that time, realizing that wherever I’ll go, wherever I are, I’ll always remain a kid for these people. Or did I feel old realizing that I no longer wear something on a daily basis to this place. I passed this place every day but why was it that I decided to pay school a visit. It’s true when they say you may forget your college, office when you grow old, but school is a place where you’d always come back. It took me time, but it was time well taken out for. I wish I’d done this earlier. School was always there, I just didn’t have the time. Or maybe I always did, but …

Stepping out of the gates there were only two things at the back of my head. One was the prayer I said at the end of the day for 12 straight years

Thank you God for the world so sweet
Thank you God for the food we eat
Thank you God for the birds that sing
And thank you God for everything

I may have more than 1000 songs on my phone, but there are some songs and prayers you don’t need to keep in ‘memory’.

And the last thing is the school motto, ‘There is no excellence without labour’. Blood, Sweat, Tears….. and Ink

There were kids before us, we were there, and there will be kids after us. The show must go on

P.S. I wrote this for my friends from my batch and other fellow Cooperites. We may be in Mumbai, some place in India or far away abroad, but it’s this one place that connects all of us together. We may be busy, some more than others with us looking forward to tomorrow and the future. But let us not forget the people and places and the samosas from the past which have made the present one to remember and cherish. For those in the city, do take some time out to visit school. Those far away, I hope I’ve given you a few moments to go back memory lane and hope you come soon to Mumbai and visit school. No one’s busy at the end of the day, we just got to make time.

And last, but not the least a special mention to a good friend of mine, Monish Parekh who is still remembered as the Chiwda King by all the teachers. Good old Jiggi

* Jasleen Sachdev (has zero relation to Alka Sachdev mind you), thank you for making this day one to remember and share about. Cooperites for life*