Dilwaale Review: Expect nothing but the expected

You guys were probably waiting for this. Shall not disappoint. 

This is why you don't see movies with ANY expectations these days. 

1) There are toy cars, there are those cars in real life. And then there is a Rohit Shetty picture. Shetty-Shetty bang bang. So much so, that more than half of the movie is shot in a garage. 

2) There are side actors, there are actors too happy to be in a movie. And then you have Kirti Sanon and Varun Dhawan. 

3) There is hamming, there are dialogues that you've heard before. And then, yet again, there is Shahrukh Khan (Khan from the epiglottis) playing Shahrukh Khan in yet another movie. Seen one, seen all. 

4) There are lights, there are lights that get old. And then, there are Diwali lights that are ONLY taken out on, yes you guessed it, Diwali. Rest of the 364 days, bandh pada rehta hai loft ke unreachable corner mein. And then you have Kajol who looks good only during Diwali. The rest of the time, Knorr soup brand ambassador. Boo-fucking-yeah. 

5) Dilwaale taught me that being unmarried after falling in love has worked not once, not twice but three fucking times for Shahrukh. I mean he got lucky in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai (shooting stars). Veer Zara was an absolute fluke. 22 years and still get the girl. He waits like what 15 years in this movie and still gets the chic. How many times can lightning strike? 

Here's the best part, what's his name, what's his name, what's his name?

RAJ

Take everything back. Point 5 is invalid in today's cinema, only if you're Rahul or Raj. 

6) Dilwaale and story. Here's where it gets interesting. Like you just have to leave your brains at home and accept whatever is being given to you. People can survive bullet shots multiple number of times, people can meet after 15 years. You shot me in the chest but I'll repair your broken car and dance with you in the rain. And yes, I can walk on water too. That too Iceland ka paani. Swag

Why? My name is Raj. 

Is Filmfare or Stardust hiring? 

Pray for Ranbir - Tamasha review

Ranbir’s last three movies: Besharam, Roy and Bombay Velvet

The good news: watching Tamasha will make you forget those three movies.

The bad news: You will now remember Tamasha

The bad news which eventually leads to good news: You will now watch Ye Jawani Hai Deewani. Watching YJHD is always a good thing.

This is a movie that everyone’s been harping about since time immemorial it seems. Everyone’s going mental booking tickets as early as nine and ten in the morning (eventually becomes 9:30 and 10:30 am if you watch it in PVR. But still it’s 10:30 in the morning)

A lot of importance is given those those three words which makes the world go round. Imitiaz Ali through this movie gives the audience the same feeling. But it’s not those three words that you’re expecting.

Ranbir and Deepika look good on screen. Duh. That’s why their movie stars? USKE BAAD KYA

You show us a wonderful place called Corsica *

*** Corsica [ˈkɔrsika]) is an island in the Mediterranean Sea belonging to France. It is located west of the Italian Peninsula, southeast of the French mainland, and north of the Italian island of Sardinia. Mountains make up two-thirds of the island, forming a single chain.

Source: Wikipedia (control c + control v)

You show us a wonderful place called Corsica. Then show us Shimla. Then show us Delhi and Tokyo. Everyone’s who has seen an Imitiaz Ali movie knows how much he likes to show a journey.  You show how people meet, chill, dance and kiss, etc, etc.

USKE BAAD KYA?

And what’s even more frustrating is that you show a movie that shows a journey and you fucking take forever to get to the point. And after two and a half hours which seems like an eternity, when he does, he ends the story abruptly. USKA BAAD KYA? Like Ali bro, I just woke up at 8 am for this.

And for fucks sake Ranbir, can you please please please (that’s thrice now) not do a movie where you’re not confused in life. Where you are not trying to find your true identity. We’ve had enough. Watching you struggle is a much greater struggle for us. ISKE BAAD KYA?

See through the good looks, see through the exotic locales. And there’s not much to see here. 

You know how you get a Tata Nano when a rickshaw fucks a car. 

Tamasha is what happens when YJHD fucks Barfi. And then gets an STD.

Dogs & P̶u̶s̶s̶i̶e̶s̶ Cats : Pyaar Ka Punchnama review

It seems that my reviews were missed. I missed writing too. But with Roy and Bombay Velvet still echoing in my head, I can only hope that this comeback to writing movie reviews is better than Plastic MILF's comeback to Bollywood a week ago with Jazbaa (and I thought I had got rusty)

The human race is divided into two types of people who have been known to share characteristics of two animals we love. Dogs and P̶u̶s̶s̶i̶e̶s̶  Cats. Pyaar Ka Punchnama 2 is a movie which shows the love-hate relationship between Dogs and P̶u̶s̶s̶i̶e̶s̶  Cats.

The movie starts with three lone Dogs with no P̶u̶s̶s̶i̶e̶s̶ Cats in their life. Each one of them is happy in their Dog-eats-Dog world. That's where the three P̶u̶s̶s̶i̶e̶s̶  Cats come in. And that starts the LOUVE, THE LUST, THE BUST, THE TRUST AND THE RUST (Love makes you type in Caps Lock too). And it's then that you realise that Dogs wear collars, Cats do not (that was a joke. I swear) (bahut maar padne waali hai comments section mein)

First and foremost, there is no need to get emotional and touchy about the way P̶u̶s̶s̶i̶e̶s̶  Cats have been treated in this movie. The last word of the previous sentence was MOVIE. Cats are n̶o̶t̶ ̶   the only reasons for all of dog's problems in the world. Which is exactly why we get a seven-minute monologue on the problems that cats give dogs. And I hate to admit it, even the cats sitting besides their dogs in the cinema hall were laughing. You can't help it if the shoes fits, can you.

For someone who loves to watch Animal Planet in his spare time, I was left wondering if is this the way cats behave in real life. This is not the way cats behave. Am I, a dog trying to understand cats here. Only cats understand cats and they hate each other. How do you think the word catty was invented? (bahut maar padne waali hai comments section mein)

But (and this is important), we need to realize that Dogs can be real pigs too (that made no sense but whatever). We love our P̶u̶s̶s̶i̶e̶s̶   cats don't we. Who doesn't after all? And if you can take something light hearted and on the chin, do take your Dog or P̶u̶s̶s̶i̶e̶   Cat along and watch this film. And if you're really bored, what are corner seats for?