In Deep Shit

In Deep Shit

I woke up sooner than I normally do today. It had been dreams for the past few days but the nightmare that I fear the most occurred once again. It wasn't for the first time and I'm sure there'll be sweat around my face the next time it happens.

I have many fears, we all do . What i'm going to talk about isn't exactly ' fear category ' but it's more than enough to scare the daylights out of me.

This dream starts in the morning. I get up , rub my eyes and put paste on my toothbrush as I look at the mirror. Such is man's hectic lifestyle that he's under a lot of stress and tension. But it is this morning time that he feels a lot of pressure. Such is the pressure he feels that he spends minutes waiting in long lines just to attend nature's call. And then we have that unlucky lot who don't have the luxury of privacy. They just got to do it. Man doesn't have a choice. You see them take a dump at the railway tracks , at the sea , behind bushes. Man shits where he wants , when he wants.

I too , at that time feel a lot of pressure and open the door to do what one does in the toilet. What follows is me yelling , shrieking , howling like never before.

Where did the fucking commode go? And anything but this God? Anything but ' wicket-keeping '

What I see in front of me is something that I hate using - The Indian Toilet

Besides teaching the world English and giving us Cricket and The Beautiful Game , the most important thing the British gave the world was the Western Style Commode.

Feels like Heaven , doesn't it ? 

On one hand we have the Commode. The word means "convenient" or "suitable" and it is indeed so. A luxurious and relaxing ' pot ' is situated in a room where creativity is at its peak. One can spend hours thinking about the great mystery called Life. How time flies sitting on that pot? God knows

You have got to be fucking kidding me 

And on the other hand we have ' wicket-keeping ' . If you want thighs like Cristiano Ronaldo or you plan on being the next Moin Khan ( C'mon Saqqi , well bowled saqqi ) then the Indian toilet is the best thing to have entered your life.

Here , you wanna get done with this shit ( Literally ) as soon as you open the door ( not so lucky for some ).

It's not food , music , alcohol or the company that's the most important for me when I go for trips. How do I shit is the number one priority.

But we cannot complain due to us not having a choice. I cry in my head when I see that I have to ' wicket keep ' at a friend's place / trip / you're luck is so bad that there's no commode at the place. You just have to mentally prepare yourself for the fact that the next ten minutes ( you'd really wanna get done soon ) are going to be the most unforgettable ten minutes of the day. The feeling of victory when you step out after wicket keeping is hard to describe , even harder to write. Having said this , I have never taken a dump in a long distance train and I hope that day never comes. Touch wood .

In my dream , God has played a really sick joke. Where did the commode go? I don't know how to react. I call up my neighbour and tell him my problem. I make a dash for his bathroom and I yell even louder than before. His commode has been replaced as well. What in God's name is happening? Is there a person called God I ask myself.

There's no shame in admitting that we look for the nearest mall when we're outside and are faced with such a situation. I run as fast as I can in the hope that I reach before it's too late. While running I see dogs shitting , kids shitting. But there is no way I'm gonna do what they are. Bhag DK Bose plays inside my head.

It seems that I have to reach my destination. The pressure is there but I still haven't shat. And finally I reach the nearest mall. The feeling of having climbed mount everest sinks in and I run towards the male restroom and open the first door. And then the choicest of abuses follow.

Another ' wicket-keeping ' style toilet .

What follows is tears. I have lost all hope. How can this be happening? How can one of man's greatest inventions just dissapear?

My head is in my hands and Im still crying . And then my eyes see the words ' Western Toilet ' written on the last cabin. I think this is some cruel joke but the hope within me helps me gather all the strength to open the door.

And finally , I see what my eyes have been longing for. The Western Toilet. I unzip my pants and sit down to do what I'd come to. I press the flush but there is a sound that I'd not expected. I open the tap and I shout , howl and yell again .

THERE IS NO WATER . FUCK MY LIFE .