Chennai Express Review

Friday First Day, First Show - Chennai Express

First and foremost (too much first), dear Rohit Shetty, you have made a Hindi movie not a Tamil one. Subtitles toh dal deta dost. Tamil sabko samajh mein nahi aati. Allarikum Tamil Teriyade. Tamil Ila.

Knowing how much Shetty loves the word 'vehicle' I was just waiting at the edge of my seat to see anything with wheels flying up in the sky, break walls, topple. Shetty makes you wait a good length in the movie for the gates to open (like literally)

Deepika for once doesn't look sloshed or in the mood to party here (slow clap) but you can tell from the look on her face that she's just waiting to come out of the sari and PARTY (PUT YA HANDS UP) *maine pehne party shoes. gonna let my body loose. peeli hai thodi booze. lets party on my mind *

Towards the end, we see the hero giving a 'I love the girl' speech to father. Girl full flat after hearing. Goon fight scene follows (hindi movie/ rohit shetty). Watch SRK with dimples fight for love. Gasp and go Aww.

People flying north, west, east and south indians flying south (Fuck Yes)

Dad sees boy's courage. Rock like mentality of father melts. Gives girl to boy. Happy Ending.

And yes, SRK's name in the film is Rahul. Have we ever seen a hindi movie where a guy named Rahul doesn't get the girl.

Don't pay more than 150 bucks to see such a film. Pay more if you have company. And pay more attention to the company than the movie. There's a reason they're called corner seats.

Maid in Heaven

The less I speak about Chelsea’s season, the better. Rafa Benitez is still ‘interim ‘manager (that word is so important it’s not funny). What Mr. Abramovich was thinking we don’t know? The only things we fans can do is protest in the form of banners and chants telling him about the problem. What we do know for sure is that the ‘Fat Spanish Waiter’ will be gone in the summer. Whenever something goes wrong, as typical human behavior would suggest we’ll blame the person and the person responsible for the appointment. On the other hand, we’ll never give credit where it’s due. Roman has hired and fired the best and worst in the business. I always wonder what it’d be like to live a life like Roman Abramovich. Who doesn’t like to have power? The kick that one gets out of hiring and firing those under and in a weaker position is of great interest to me. What Roman does on an almost yearly basis is done on a smaller scale in our very own households. Why think about Roman when this hiring and firing happens in front of me on a regular basis. I’ve seen it happen in front of me and I can’t wait to do it for the first time.

My friends, I’m talking about the hiring and firing of maids and drivers. Something that our parents do on a regular basis. If you ask me, maids and drivers are as important to a household as managers to a football club. No one gives them importance when they’re there, we only realize what they bring once they’re gone.

We have mobile phones and what not to communicate. Most of our parents aren’t very tech savvy but their networking in recruiting a maid / driver makes me hang my head in shame. The entire neighborhood within no matter of time is aware that there’s a vacancy for a maid / driver.

Our networking’s good, parents much better but the best networking you’ll ever see is amongst the maids and drivers. If gossip is something that interests you, all you need to do is spend more time in the kitchen or the nearest chai stall in the neighborhood to be well versed with who slept with whom, who didn’t sleep with whom, who hits their kids, who wears torn underwear, who told the husband / wife they have to attend a meeting but didn’t. You see where this is going don’t you. These people are most than just your source.

Coming back to the recruitment process, all that one needs to do is ‘announce’ that you need a maid / driver. Some of the ways to do this is tell your friends in the neighborhood or tell a maid / driver. Within a matter of minutes your door bell / mobile phone rings with someone saying ‘ Sahab, Memsahab, aapne driver / maid ke liye bola tha ‘
This is networking at its very best. You just sit back and watch in excitement. You know exactly who this starts and how’s it going to end. And the best part is, the best is yet to come.

After the ‘announcement’ stage comes stage two. I call this the ‘what have you done/ can you do’ stage. Past history is questioned, verified and what not. One of the benefits of being in power is that you can ask anything you want. The best question asked is ‘Why did you leave your previous job?’ I love the answers that these people give. This is no less than a viva for them. Looking at some of the candidates, one can tell they need the job more than you need them.

Drivers just have to do one thing, drive. What type of maid do you want is key. Maids will tell you then and there ‘Madam, kapde nahi karegi mein’, ‘Katka, jhadoo sirf’. If your stars are lucky you will get an ‘all rounder’ maid or mom will have to appoint more than once maid.

Post this comes the salary, the ‘ khich khich ‘ stage. ‘ Bartan ka itna aur jhadoo ka itna’, ‘ Sahab office Churchgate mein hai’, ‘ Mahine mein itna din nahi aayegi’. I don’t know how the number is decided but in the end it’s all good and the person is hired. Congratulations.

A few weeks pass and we come to stage four, the ‘ Realization’ stage. It is here that the person who does the hiring gets the answer to ‘ Apna kaam is se hone wala hai kya?’ If the answer is no we give the person ‘time’. If things still don’t improve its bye bye. Repeat process from step one. Hurray.

If you’re decision is spot on you’ll tell yourself and the whole world what a wonderful person the driver / maid is. This is where everything they do is right. You feel you have found ‘The Special ONE’. The whole day will be spent in singing praises of the person you appointed.

But should this not be the case, then it’s time for a replacement. Reasons for things not going as per plan could be working conditions, working hours, ego battle between the employer and the employee, never ending demands of the employee. This is where ‘unrest in the camp’ happens and nothing goes right. The employer now needs to hire more than the need to fire. Things have to be right again.

We come to the day which though sad is fun to watch. The ‘ Bye-Bye’ day. But before we say goodbye, we prepare for the future by already appointing who is going to come next. So this stage is nothing more than fake formality that needs to be done so that there’s no ill will amongst the parties involved. They take their money and leave. Sometimes a huge argument arises and they still leave. On the rarest of occasions does the employer decide to give them yet another chance (yes, at this stage). The house breathes a huge sigh of relief when he / she shut the door. We’re back to step one. Yaay!!!

Getting the right maid / driver is a task in itself. It sounds like an easy job but it’s only when they don’t come and you’re asked to do what they’re paid for do you realize what a back breaking job these ladies and men do for a living. We might think they’re arrogant and don’t like to talk much but we must look at the other side and see the situation where they’re coming from. A sad part of this profession is that age is not a criterion. We see kids as errand boys in so many places. They’re supposed to be running and playing. Not running to get vegetables and eggs. On the other side we see such old ladies working in households doing a job that is not in their best interests’ health wise. We have the money so we have the power. It all seems and sounds great to hire and fire but I don’t think our parents enjoy it when we ask a maid / driver to leave.

So the next time you criticize Roman and the other guys out there in the business, just think about what I just said. They like us are people, and people make mistakes. It’s the realization and rectification that he / she does that counts. Because at the end of the day we all want what’s good for us and the people we love the most.

P.S. Mera Jose Aayega

Boy with the terrace

Pata Hai, Yaha se bahut door, Galat aur Sahi ke paar, Ek Terrace Hai 
Mein waha milunga tujhe

The year was 1980 and the month October. A couple by the name of Alok and Shanta Ganguly along with their son and daughter made the switch from to Nepean Sea Road to Versova. The building that they settled in was one of the few on the stretch. There was hardly anything around it. This place used to be a British cantonment. The only thing worth seeing was the beach. One had to just Hop Skip and Jump (it’s much more than that actually) and your feet were in the sand with the waves passing over them.

10 years later, a boy by the name of Adit was born. He played in this building, he ran like there was nothing to stop him, he fell down, he rose. Balls were hit into the sea which were never found again. As kids, our curiosity to find out what that boy and girl used to do behind those rocks were answered. 22 years later, Adit still lives in the same place. There is a reason why he will never leave this building. He just cannot. There might be better places in the city to live, he might earn the money to live abroad for that matter but at the end of the day Adit will come back to the place that he calls HOME.

The building playground (that used to exist once upon a time but it’s nothing more than rubble and concrete now) and my residence were always there, but these two places aren’t the reason for my being so attached to where I stay. That place belongs to …

A terrace is something all buildings have. Mine’s a bit special for it’s a stone’s throw from the beach. I’ve got compliments like ‘ What a wonderful view’ , ‘ it’s so beautiful’ , ‘ You’re so lucky ' and not to forget ‘ How are you still single’ from friends. For this, I have only two people to thank, my grandparents, Alok and Shanta Ganguly. Thank you for choosing this part of the city to live in.

My terrace started off as nothing but a place above the 7^th floor of my building. I hardly used to go there until the second half of last year. It slowly became a room of my own due to the number of times I kept going there. I think if there’s anyone after the watchmen of the building who have visited the terrace the most in the past year, it is me.

There is now more than just a bond between the two of us. From a room, the terrace is now a person, one of my closest friends. I share a lot of things with my terrace. Things that no else knows about. Wherever I go, I feel that some part of the terrace is within me.

There’s a lot of stuff inside my head. I keep thinking about the things around me. A lot of thinking was done on the terrace. I used to go up and spend hours by myself. How does time fly and sunset turn to darkness sitting on the parapet of the terrace I do not know? One of the reasons why my book was named ‘The Answer Within ‘was because it was at this very place where I got the answers to most of the questions I asked. Such was the magic about the place that many times I got the answer before asking the question. If Karthik (From the film Karthik calling Karthik) had a phone where he got an answer, I have my terrace. Whatever I asked and replied by my friend is what fills those of my book. What is in the book, that we shall discuss someday later. That day is not today.

This is what it looks like from the top

This friend of mine has brought me nothing but good luck. I got my happiness, creativity, sense of humour and unpredictable nature back. My friend told me that for you to be happy, one must make the people around him happy. And thus started my daily jokes on Facebook. I was told that no matter how sad you may be, even if you’re in no mood to smile, put others before yourself and add a smile to their faces. I set out on this journey making sure that the morning of the people I know starts on a good note. Making the world smile is not an easy thing to do. My friend taught me how to do that.

When I asked a question, this friend showed me another path to get what I wanted. A terrace can’t be called a person but if there was ever a reason behind me teaching the kids, we all know who to thank.

I ' CHILL ' at the terrace

And then we have some people in the building who don’t like to see other people happy. This prick has a problem with my happiness and the place I get my happiness from. Mr. Prick comes across that type of person who never had ‘ fun ' in his life. Mr. Prick doesn’t like me taking my friends to meet my ‘best friend’. He wants me to take permission from him to visit my own terrace.

What Mr. Prick doesn’t understand that he is fighting a lost battle. He is 60 years old, I am 22. He is going to die in some time; I have my whole life ahead of me. I am not leaving the building anytime soon. So who is the loser at the end of the day?

Most of the people that I've taken to my terrace don't live that close to the sea. They feel that they've come to some wonderland when they come to the terrace and on the beach. I never used to pay much attention as I've lived here since birth. I used to see the same sun set by the horizon day after day. What was so special about it. Couples used to come, do what they had to, and leave. What was there to feel good about where I stayed. And don't get me started on Ganesh Visarjan. The noise and people on the last day, the garbage, the condition of the beach and the sea after everything is over. What's so good about living by the sea?

These were some of the initial questions that I'd asked this friend of mine. Within minutes, I had found the answer. Such is the case today, that each time I visit this friend of mine, it feels like I'm visiting the terrace for the first time. I don't know if such a thing is called magic, but there is just something about the place.

The year has started on a superb note. Each day thus far has been more exciting than the previous day. There is a lot to look forward to. If the first month of the year has been this kickass, I can't imagine what the next 11 months have in store. I am so happy, cheerful and pumped up these days. I have a trip to Rajasthan next month, the excitement is such that the wait is killing me. I have got back all the things I'd lost thanks to this friend of mine.

This aside, I have another journey to set out in the last week of this month. Despite the happiness and craziness returning, there is still something missing. I asked my friend where I could find it and like always I wasn't disappointed. To rediscover myself, I need to get lost first. And I will ‘get lost ' for the next 7 days. Getting lost helped me find myself a few months back. Need to find myself again.

It's time , Didier

Thank you Didier , For Everything * wipes tears *

If you’re a top footballer in Europe, your career in incomplete if you don’t win the champions league. Watching players like Zidane , Raul , Pirlo , Nesta , Kaka , Maldini , Shevchenko , Henry , Eto’o , Deco , Rooney , Ronaldo , Ronaldinho , Gerrard , Iniesta , Xavi , Messi one gets the feeling that these players were born to win this trophy.

Such players come once in a generation and you get the feeling that they just couldn’t have retired from the game without having won the Champions League. It would be really heartbreaking for them if after years of playing the beautiful game with a passion, determination not seen by many they didn’t have a UCL winner’s medal on display in their trophy cabinet. 

His final kick in a Chelsea Shirt

249 days ago, a man’s last kick in a Chelsea made sure his name will go down in that exclusive list. 19^th May 2012 is a day no Chelsea fan will ever forget. It still feels like yesterday if you ask me.

3 days after that, this individual bid farewell to the club where the world recognized him as one of the most unplayable forwards on his day. Opposition fans were relieved that he would be plying his trade in Europe anymore. If this was the fear he could strike in the hearts of people who watched, one could imagine the state of opposition defenders. Surely, many would have been happy reading the news of his departure from European football.

This man was the reason I’d kept my hair long. The reason why I always tied a ponytail when I sat in front of the TV during every UCL game Chelsea played that season. I read the news of his departure on the official site. Headed straight to the barber’s shop. There was no ponytail when I came out.

This was the love, respect and adulation I had for my favourite Chelsea player, Didier Didier Yves Drogba Tébily aka Didier Drogba.

They say people come into your lives to leave one day. Didier Drogba seems to be an exception. I still haven’t gotten over his departure from the club. When I see a certain Spaniard waste chance after chance my heart cries out for the man from Ivory Coast who wore the number 11 at the back of his shirt.

Farewells are sad. But Didier could not have asked for a better sending off. Drogba was the Champions League’s ‘Problem Child ‘. How different would things have been had he not slapped Vidic and taken John Terry’s penalty. Everyone remembers the ‘fucking disgrace ‘episode at Stamford Bridge. The ringleader behind that was none other than Didier Drogba. Having played 4 Semi Finals and 1 Final not many were expecting Chelsea and Drogba in particular to set those wrongs, right.

Many of us knew the Final in Munich could very well be the last time we’d see Didier Drogba in a Chelsea shirt. He and the club were 90 minutes [plus extra time and penalties (how can we ever forget)] away from lifting the Holy Grail. The 33 year old, 6ft 2 inch Ivorian was Chelsea’s best chance of victory. Fans knew it, the players and the manager knew it. But above all, Didier Drogba knew it. Such was his presence and influence in the team that he knew when and how to rise to the big occasion. His ability to raise his game in cup finals is unparalleled and unmatched. The man was born to play football, and at the biggest stage possible. The stage was set for Didier Drogba, it was time for one final bow.

Fast forward to the 83^rd minute of that eventful night in Munich. A cross from Toni Kross to Thomas Muller, who heads the ball down into the ground, causing it to bounce over Čech and in off the crossbar. 

Chelsea fans can’t believe what they’re seeing. Wins over Napoli and Barcelona mean nothing after Muller’s goal. Will this generation of players be known as the ‘team never to have won the Champions League’? We would get that answer in the next 7 minutes ( plus added time )

88^th minute and Bayern Munich are two minutes away ( plus added time ) from having their name etched on the trophy. Fernando Torres wins Chelsea their first corner kick of the game. Juan Mata takes the corner and curls one in the box. It hits someone’s head and Chelsea is level. Chelsea’s hopes of winning the Champions League that were dead some moments ago are now alive and kicking. Chelsea fans watching all over the world go into a never seen before frenzy.

And the Dream lived on

If you didn’t guess who scored, Drogba’s his name.

Didier Drogba , Tra La La La La !!!

Drogba soon turned from hero to villain fouling Ribery in the box to give the Germans a penalty in extra time. Ex-Chelsea player Arjen Robben did his old club a huge favour when Petr Cech saved his penalty. The referee blew the whistle at the end of 120 minutes and it was a visit to familiar territory for the men in blue. A penalty shootout in a Champions League final. But this time they had the man from the Ivory Coast still on the pitch.

He knew Drogba wouldn't miss

Mata misses , Olic misses , Schweinsteiger pulls his shirt over his head after his missed shot. Chelsea fans celebrate, but they are reminded of that eventful night in Moscow. But for some reason they know what the last penalty kick means to the man who’s stepping up to take it. Who else but Didier Drogba?

Images of the red card in Moscow, that Barca game at the Bridge flash in my head. As Didier makes that ‘ walk ‘ towards the penalty spot one knows that here’s the chance for the man to make amends. He knows what he has to do to enlist himself amongst the Footballing Greats.

Drogba kicks. And the ball goes to the right of Manuel Neuer. Chelsea wins the Champions League for the first time in their history. Everyone who rooted for the men in blue ends up in tears. It was a night to take to the grave. All thanks to the man from the Ivory Coast.

Drogba had redeemed himself. And regardless of which team one supported, you had nothing but respect and admiration for Didier Drogba.

He left the club 3 days later. Due to his equalizing goal and winning penalty, the club were able to enter the 2012-2013 Champions League as defending champions despite not qualifying for it via the league standings. This led to the club being able to sign players like Eden Hazard and Oscar. Drogba’s played a very important role in getting these two players to Stamford Bridge.

That said, Didier Drogba has won everything there is to win at the club level. 3 League Titles , 4 FA CUPS , 2 League Cups and 1 Champions League. Despite all this there is one last thing left to do before he hangs up his boots. One final tick needs to be made on the list of medals he has to win. Before a Marseille and Chelsea player, Didier Drogba was something. He was an Ivory Coast national. Winning the African Cup of Nations is the unfinished business that Didier Drogba will set out to complete come this January.

Time for unfinished business

When we talk about Didier Drogba’s career, his international career seems to be left out. As per the latest standings , Ivory Coast ranks 14^th in the world, above the likes of Uruguay , France , Sweden and 5 time World Cup Winners Brazil. Their talismanic captain Didier Drogba being a main reason. Having made his debut in 2002 and has scored 59 goals in 91 appearances for Les Éléphants. He’s captained the national team at two World Cups (2006 and 2010).  Ivory Coast may be the best African team in the world but it’ll take some time before we see a team from African lift football’s greatest prize to win. But what Drogba and his team can do is lift the continent’s biggest prize. The African Cup of Nations.

Like the Champions League, Drogba and the AFCON have a history of their own.  Drogba captained the side in the 2006 edition taking them all the way to the final losing to Nigeria in penalties ( Drogba missed a penalty in the shootout ). The 2008 AFCON was one to forget for the Ivory Coast as they lost 4-1 to eventual winners Egypt in the semi finals. 2010 was even worse as the Ivory Coast crashed out at the quarter final stage losing 2-3 to Algeria. 2012 would be the 4^th time Drogba would lead his team. They reached the final having gone the entire tournament without conceding a goal. Drogba had a brilliant chance to win his country their 2^nd AFCON as Ivory Coast were awarded a penalty late into the second half but fate had other ideas. The match went into extra time and penalties led to Zambia handing the Ivory Coast another defeat in the AFCON.

Off the field, Didier Drogba is no less than a God for the people of the Ivory Coast.  Drogba was the face of his country; the symbol of a new, post-civil war Ivory Coast. Civil war had been raging for five years when, moments after leading his nation to the 2006 World Cup finals in Germany back in October 2005, Drogba picked up a microphone in the dressing room and, surrounded by his team-mates, fell to his knees live on national television. He begged both warring factions to lay down their arms and, within a week, his bold wish had been granted.

A single soccer match achieved what five years of combat and negotiations could not: an apparent end to Ivory Coast’s civil war. The man who brought the warring sides together was not a politician or a gun-toting strongman, but Didier Drogba, the star striker for Ivory Coast.

In 2007,  Drogba was appointed by the United Nations Development Programme ( UNDP) as a Goodwill Ambassador.  His involvement in the peace process led to Drogba being named as one of the world's 100 most influential people by Timemagazine for 2010.

The Ivory Coast go into the 2013 edition with the same tag they’ve been holding before every tournament, ‘favourites’. Once again the team will be led out by Didier Drogba. On paper, the Ivory Coast should win this easily. But this was the case in each of the past 4 tournaments. The team is filled with talent with majority of the players plying their trade in some of Europe’s big clubs. This ‘golden generation ‘of players have been together for a long time but this is not the case for the man who put the Ivory Coast on the footballing map. The 2013 edition will be Drogba’s final AFCON. If you thought the Champions League was all that was left for Drogba to win, think again.

Going by the man’s personality, what he has given football fans across the world and especially his hunger for victory and success, his determination and passion to end his country’s wait for the trophy, fans of the Ivory Coast have a lot to look forward to this tournament.

Lesson Learnt

I learnt a valuable lesson about Journalism today. This blog was all set to be posted tonight. But with events taking place over the past few hours , everything written below is now redundant. A new story is born with each passing second. No need to feel sad over the time spent in writing the article. Will learn from this.

England's Top Prize

This won’t be the first article on this topic you’d be reading and considering the pedigree about the people that you’re going to read about, I’m sure this won’t be the last. There’s still a lot of time for the present to end but speculating about the future has always made for good fodder to write and speak about. May is four months away and with each passing day, stories about these three great men will intensify.

It seems a battle never imagined, predicted or witnessed will commence come August. A three way battle of the beautiful game will be fought at the place where it was invented. What makes this rivalry more intense is the love lost relationship between its 3 contenders fighting for England’s top honour – The Barclays Premier League.

This is no ordinary battle. It has all the ingredients required for it to go down folklore for future generations to marvel at. This story involves The Emperor, A Special One and a New Kid on the block.

The Emperor - Reigning Supreme

This Emperor has reigned supreme in the land for the past 26 years. The journey hasn’t been easy. He too, like the others has faced defeat. But what sets him apart from the rest is his hunger to win and wrestle back what he has lost. Time has been witness to this. Victory was within touching distance the last time he set out to battle but fate, luck and destiny had other ideas. But The Emperor has shown his expertise and his ‘hate to be 2^nd’ mentality in the ongoing battle. The past has certainly taught him an unforgettable lesson, one that has made him wiser and more aware of the threat posed by the enemy.

As things stand, The Emperor is on course to remind the world why he’s still the undisputed champion of the land. Age surely plays an important role in his reign. With each passing battle, talks about his retirement have done the rounds. This summer won’t be any different. Will it be time for him to hand his thrown to a worthy successor or will the King of the Jungle be motivated enough to face the two hungry cubs who have set forth into the Promised Land.

This battle has another very interesting element to it. Should The Emperor decide to call it time, these two candidates are prime contenders to take over his reign. Should The Emperor want to stay, these two will make sure that come August 2013 the world will get to see a 3 way battle to the finish. How this battle will pan out only The Emperor can tell for he holds all the cards to the game.

And here’s a heads up on what to expect from these two.

The Special One - Time for unfinished business

The first candidate is ‘Special ’. He seems to have the Midas touch for whatever he touches turns to gold. When he sets out to battle in foreign lands, he makes sure that defeat is not an option. The Promised Land is not something he has not set foot on. He made the move after conquering his hometown. Such was his expertise and attention to detail during battle that The Emperor was made to look second best when the two fought. It was only when this ‘ Special One ’ left the Promised Land did The Emperor start winning again reminding those watching that there’s only one boss in town.

Despite having won everything one could ask for, this promising contestant is still hungry for more and has some unfinished business to settle. And it seems this will only be achieved if he makes his much awaited return back to the place which he still calls home.

This makes it an interesting angle from the Emperor’s point of view for he knows the threat posed by the Special One. This candidate is seen by many as the perfect successor to the Emperor’s throne. If given a choice, the Emperor won’t get a better replacement to take his place.  The Special One keeps setting higher standards after every victory at battle. Succeeding The Emperor might just be the last thing he longs for. But The Emperor still nurses those wounds inflicted to him by the Special One and would want to stay on and show the world that this time the special won’t be so special.

The Kid Next Door - A New Neighbourhood beckons

Battles are normally fought between two armies. This one has three. Enter ‘New Kid on the block ’. This kid has proved himself in his neighbourhood making mincemeat out of the challengers. Being a newcomer, he has not made his young age be a handicap. Kids grasp things very quickly when they are young and put it to use when the time comes. Mr Kid is no different; he learnt something during his childhood and made it into a philosophy, a style during his rule, one, which the world watched with amazement and awe.  The faith showed in what he learnt was rewarded in triumphs over The Emperor and The Special One. He soon realized that he’d only be mentioned with the greats should he make the move to the Promised Land. The Kid is ready and waiting to strike.

But the land he enters now is unchartered territory. Will his ‘backyard tactics’ work with a different army in a different environment. He’d want to prove that knowledge can be taught anywhere, including the Promised Land.

Like the Special One, Mr. Kid shares the same credentials required to be The Emperor’s successor. He’ll be at the tip of the mountain with his sights on the things below.

Will he be able to resist the lure should the spot for the throne be vacant? Or will the Special One have taken that place? Will The Emperor still be there come August? If not who will be his successor? Regardless of what The Emperor does one thing is certain, we will get to see these two adversaries fight each other in the Promised Land. Time is going to move at snail’s pace for the next 8 months. But once the holy date arrives, there’ll be no looking back.

In Deep Shit

In Deep Shit

I woke up sooner than I normally do today. It had been dreams for the past few days but the nightmare that I fear the most occurred once again. It wasn't for the first time and I'm sure there'll be sweat around my face the next time it happens.

I have many fears, we all do . What i'm going to talk about isn't exactly ' fear category ' but it's more than enough to scare the daylights out of me.

This dream starts in the morning. I get up , rub my eyes and put paste on my toothbrush as I look at the mirror. Such is man's hectic lifestyle that he's under a lot of stress and tension. But it is this morning time that he feels a lot of pressure. Such is the pressure he feels that he spends minutes waiting in long lines just to attend nature's call. And then we have that unlucky lot who don't have the luxury of privacy. They just got to do it. Man doesn't have a choice. You see them take a dump at the railway tracks , at the sea , behind bushes. Man shits where he wants , when he wants.

I too , at that time feel a lot of pressure and open the door to do what one does in the toilet. What follows is me yelling , shrieking , howling like never before.

Where did the fucking commode go? And anything but this God? Anything but ' wicket-keeping '

What I see in front of me is something that I hate using - The Indian Toilet

Besides teaching the world English and giving us Cricket and The Beautiful Game , the most important thing the British gave the world was the Western Style Commode.

Feels like Heaven , doesn't it ? 

On one hand we have the Commode. The word means "convenient" or "suitable" and it is indeed so. A luxurious and relaxing ' pot ' is situated in a room where creativity is at its peak. One can spend hours thinking about the great mystery called Life. How time flies sitting on that pot? God knows

You have got to be fucking kidding me 

And on the other hand we have ' wicket-keeping ' . If you want thighs like Cristiano Ronaldo or you plan on being the next Moin Khan ( C'mon Saqqi , well bowled saqqi ) then the Indian toilet is the best thing to have entered your life.

Here , you wanna get done with this shit ( Literally ) as soon as you open the door ( not so lucky for some ).

It's not food , music , alcohol or the company that's the most important for me when I go for trips. How do I shit is the number one priority.

But we cannot complain due to us not having a choice. I cry in my head when I see that I have to ' wicket keep ' at a friend's place / trip / you're luck is so bad that there's no commode at the place. You just have to mentally prepare yourself for the fact that the next ten minutes ( you'd really wanna get done soon ) are going to be the most unforgettable ten minutes of the day. The feeling of victory when you step out after wicket keeping is hard to describe , even harder to write. Having said this , I have never taken a dump in a long distance train and I hope that day never comes. Touch wood .

In my dream , God has played a really sick joke. Where did the commode go? I don't know how to react. I call up my neighbour and tell him my problem. I make a dash for his bathroom and I yell even louder than before. His commode has been replaced as well. What in God's name is happening? Is there a person called God I ask myself.

There's no shame in admitting that we look for the nearest mall when we're outside and are faced with such a situation. I run as fast as I can in the hope that I reach before it's too late. While running I see dogs shitting , kids shitting. But there is no way I'm gonna do what they are. Bhag DK Bose plays inside my head.

It seems that I have to reach my destination. The pressure is there but I still haven't shat. And finally I reach the nearest mall. The feeling of having climbed mount everest sinks in and I run towards the male restroom and open the first door. And then the choicest of abuses follow.

Another ' wicket-keeping ' style toilet .

What follows is tears. I have lost all hope. How can this be happening? How can one of man's greatest inventions just dissapear?

My head is in my hands and Im still crying . And then my eyes see the words ' Western Toilet ' written on the last cabin. I think this is some cruel joke but the hope within me helps me gather all the strength to open the door.

And finally , I see what my eyes have been longing for. The Western Toilet. I unzip my pants and sit down to do what I'd come to. I press the flush but there is a sound that I'd not expected. I open the tap and I shout , howl and yell again .

THERE IS NO WATER . FUCK MY LIFE .